Missing Out

A few years ago I would have been in heaven. Sitting at our church picnic, holding my goddaughter on my lap while she ate, watching her 2 sisters play, and then watching other mom's with young children bring their children over to play too.  It was what I dreamed of - building a church community, meeting other young couples, and making new friends. And loving on their children with the thought in the back of my head that some day that might be us. It just never happened that way. We have a couple of friends from our church, but not a group/community.

Today, it happened. And it wasn't heaven. It was one of the hardest moments on this road to-date. It started out awesome. My goddaughter on my lap eating, her sisters off with The Man watching the magician and her mom and I chatting. And then another mom came to join us, with her sweet baby. And then another. And then the magician was done and the older siblings all came back. And sitting there, outside in the sunshine, it felt like the air wouldn't fill my lungs. And the tears sat just under the surface.

So, instead of sitting and chatting and building new relationships, I told The Man I was ready to go. And we left. I just couldn't face the possibility of being asked "Do you have children?" I just couldn't do it today.

And it is one more thing I am missing out on because of IF. Missing out on first smiles, and steps, and pregnancy, and childbirth, and all that comes with a son or daughter. On top of all that I am missing out on potential friendships and community as well.

The blessing in all of this is that I had an outlet. After the ice cream I'd eaten settled in my stomach, I grabbed my running shoes and headed out for my first-ever 7 mile run. As my feet hit the pavement, my mind was racing at first, but after about a mile the best thing happens and my brain shuts off. It goes on autopilot and I stop obsessing and I feel free. The music is loud in my ears and my focus is on a steady pace and meeting my goal. While I wish with everything in me that my baby-making parts would work right, I am determined to see the gift that running (and swimming and biking) has become for me. I am determined to be grateful that my body seems to be working right in this area and that it is an outlet where my brain turns off.

As I find myself craving this "turning off", this freedom, I realize the only other time I find this is during Adoration. It's a different sort of "turning off", but the feeling of freedom is the same. I even cry while I run sometimes...and of course during Adoration sometimes. I need to do a better job of making time with Jesus as much of a priority as I've made running. I need to give myself this gift of letting go more often and in more ways - meaning I can't replace exercise with Adoration or vice versa. I have found a way to add the exercise into my days, now I need to find a way to add the Adoration. It is the only way I'm ever going to be able to sit and stay and face "the" question, it is the only way to limit the missing out to that which is out of my control.

Well that Explains It

As I was feeling myself unraveling on Friday, it never occurred to me that it was going to turn into CD1. It was only P+13 and usually the prometrium gets me to P+15 and my temp hadn't dropped yet. But just a few hours after hitting publish there was some light spotting, and then Saturday morning, there was no doubt.

So, that explains it. A bit.

I started to just brush it off and blame it all on CD1, until I thought about the fact I've been feeling like this for a couple of weeks, so it couldn't just be CD1. So, I've made a few changes and I think this will help. I'm going to share them here, because I know the idea of changing up how I list the blogs came from TCIE's explanation long ago of why blogs are listed on her site the way they are, so maybe what I'm doing will help one of you too.

First, I have to say thank-you for all of your sweet, kind, loving comments on my last post. I really wouldn't have been surprised if you'd all just decided I was mean and you didn't need my negativity in your life. So, thank-you for loving me even when I was being, well, grouchy.

Second, I had already contacted Kelsey about doing a tiny bit of a tweak to the blog layout, so it was a good time to sit down and really think about what this here blog is for and why I come here in the first place. So, if you happen to be reading this in a reader or on your phone, please visit the full site and check out the new header - the only really obvious change. Once again, Kelsey did an awesome job! The cross and quote in the picture are a gift from my friend Kate, the cross was handmade by her. I still haven't been able to tell her in person how much it meant to me, but I've emailed and I hope it's presence front and center here is further proof of my gratitude. That quote - wow. Just. wow.

Third, I did take the time to go through my blog list and make two categories of blogs. I think I'd been putting it off because somehow my anal particular self thought I needed categories for every kind of blogger - ex. infertiles, singles, mommies, general, photo, etc. But I came to the realization that 2 categories would work - one for those still waiting (for either a spouse or a child - including those who have chosen to remain childless) and one for everyone else. Titles of recent posts will be included in the first group "Our Hope is in the Lord" and just the name of the blog and date of most recent post will be included in the second group "Places to go, People to see."

Fourth, I organized my Google Reader into folders - very similar to the categories on the sidebar here. This way, I won't miss any good news or sweet pictures, but at the same time I can choose to look at them when I'm up to it and not end up feeling less than charitable towards people I love when I'm not.

Fifth, as sad as I am to say this, Thankful Thursday will not necessarily be every single week. I started it out of a desire to help keep myself focused on the positive things in my life, to regain my positive outlook. But, sadly, as I'm posting it now I find myself thinking horrible things like "hmmm, someday it would be really nice to say I'm grateful for a BFP, but that won't happen." and also little negative things about all of the positive things I list (see last week's snarky comment about wishing my body would work for evidence of this.)  While I firmly believe an attitude of gratitude is extremely important, I also realize that I can't force it. So, please don't stop your awesome Thankful Thursday posts if you feel like you want to keep doing them every week...and I promise not to stop doing them all together, I just need to remove the pressure of having to do it every single week.

And last, I think I need to stretch myself. I have so many half-started posts both in my drafts and in my head that talk in more depth about faith and my faith experiences with IF. I think I need to work on them and get them out. I need to go down this path of asking why? Of being willing to accept I will probably never get an answer in this life. And of facing what that means for moving forward. This also includes some frank posts about what comes next for The Man and me on this road - what is the next route we take and when do we stop?

Thank-you for being here. For praying for us. And for being patient with me as I figure out what this all looks like.

A New Way

I'm not really sure how to categorize my feelings of the past weeks. I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of baby-everything that seems to be surrounding me. FB is becoming even worse of a nightmare than usual and I finally had to turn off the recent titles of posts in my blog roll to the right. I really need to separate them into categories, but that requires time and concentration.

There is a piece of me that is feeling so left behind. So left out. So much more alone than ever before. While I'm so happy for every. single. one. of you who have babies in your bellies or in your arms, I'm finding that coming here and going through my reader just isn't the same. And when I sit down to write, I feel like a broken record, so I'm sure I sound just like one too. Thankful Thursdays have even lost their luster.

And then I realize there are still plenty of others who are still waiting and have been waiting so. much. longer. than me, and I become very aware that I need to get over myself. Yet, this is even different too. Instead of finding hope and inspiration in your stories of perseverence, I'm only seeing the truth of how long this just might go on; of the pain that lies ahead. And I'm so angry that any of us ever had to experience even one moment of this.

I'm lost for words when wanting to comment. I'm lost for tact and perspective when writing here. (If you could only see the draft posts...well, let's just say it's better you can't see them...)

I know I can't give up this place; I know for a fact I might just go crazy if I do that. And yet, I have to find a new way to do this. A way to do this where I feel better rather than worse; where I have hope rather than more doubts; where I find strength not fear.

Thankful Thursday

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This week I am thankful for:

• Netflix. (I'm watching Les Miserables as I write this :).)
• A body that has finally decided to work with me instead of against me and can run 4 miles without wanting to die. (Now if it would just work in another area....)
• Spring thunderstorms :).
• Good friends.
• A three day weekend coming up!

What are you thankful for this week?

A Sad Day to be a Mountaineer

Once a Mountaineer, Always a Mountaineer!

Friends, this man wasn't "just" a football coach. He was a faithful Catholic, true West Virginian, a devoted husband and father, and a member of our parish community. If you would please keep Coach Stewart's family, friends, and former players in your prayers. (The tweets from former Mountaineer players have brought me to tears more times than I can count today. Photo links to story that includes some of the quotes.)

Rest in peace Coach Stewart. Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord.