The Road Home

Thankful Thursday

2012-03-15T11:24:00.001-04:00

This week I am thankful for

Beautiful March Weather.
Open windows.
Wi-fi.
Iced Tea.
My DVR.
Getting The Man's car back all fixed.
Insurance.

What are you thankful for this week?

Finally.

2012-03-14T10:50:00.001-04:00

It's been 2 months almost to the day since I last went for a run. And it is less than 2 months until the Pittsburgh 5k.

A week or so ago I'd gone for a {very hilly} walk and was very worried about how out of shape I seemed. Huffing and puffing during a walk was something I'd not done in a couple of years.

So, when I slipped into my running shoes and headed for the trail in Wheeling (with my boss - no pressure there) I was a little nervous as she proudly announced we were somewhere in week 6 of the C25K program, which meant a 5 minute run and an 8 minute run.

To make this story short. I made it. AND I was pleasantly surprised with how out-of-shape-I-wasn't. My boss reminded me that those hills we walked were big, steep hills (and they were) and I fel better.

And the weather? A.ma.zing.

It was just the good start I needed to getting back out there.

I admit, I've dragged my feet. I've made excuses to not go before yesterday. And I've hoped. I hoped that I would have a big, but actually tiny, reason to take it easy and maybe focus on walks with my pups rather than runs.

But I don't.

So, I stopped straddling the fence of "what if I'm pregnant" and put both feet back on the side of the life I have now. And I ran. And it was so needed.

I didn't run far. Or fast. (not that I'm every fast) But what I did do, was just what I needed.

Seriously. Why does it take me so. darn. long. to figure out what I need to do? Maybe someday I'll have an answer.

Today, I'm going to rejoice in the fact that my widget moved from 411 to 414 and I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Monday Mumbles

2012-03-12T13:02:00.000-04:00

1. It's Monday and it's time for Mumbles again (don't forget to visit TOOJE) because I still can't resist having that cute penguin on my blog :). I do have two sweet pups who would argue they should be front and center, you know, if they could talk, so I may have to do a post all for them some day soon.

2. I went to the Mid-Atlantic Congress for Pastoral Leadership this past week. In addition to all of the conference-y stuff being awesome, I got to attend Mass said by a Cardinal (O'Brien of Baltimore) for the first time ever. If you follow me on twitter, you know I was indeed extra holy after the experience - ha!

3. Due to the conference, I am woefully behind on my blog reading. I think my reader had 70 unread posts in it this morning, and that doesn't count the few that I've read but starred to go back to. Ugh, I'm not sure I'll fully catch up so please accept my apology in advance if I've missed commenting on something important.

4. I've finally figured out some time to get back into my exercise-grove. (It's a good thing, because the Pittsburgh 5K isn't going to wait for me!) Let's hope the weather cooperates and I can stick to my plan.

5. Good news: WVU made the "Big Dance" and plays in the NCAA Basketball Tournament.

6. Better news: The first round is in Pittsburgh! (Just under 2 hours away :)). (I won't be going, but love that it is so close).

7. Bad news: WVU plays Gonzaga in the first round. Gonzaga always wins their first round game. It is the easiest pick I make on my Brackets - Gonzaga, First Round, win! Ugh.

8. Good, and frankly, beautiful, hilarious, and ironic news: Pitt (you, know, that team I hate) didn't make the NCAA Tournament. So, WVU will be playing IN Pitt's arena, while Pitt watches from their couches. Yep, they didn't even get an NIT invite. Ah, the sweet joy!

9. Potentially horrible news: A WVU loss in the first round, in Pittsburgh, in Pitt's arena. I really don't even want to think about this. Why does it have to be Gonzaga? Ugh!

10. I was worried I wouldn't have 10 things to say. Yay for Basketball! (Huh?!?! Did that sentence really just appear on THIS blog?!?! How many more days 'til Football Starts again? *sigh*)

Thankful Thursday

2012-03-08T00:30:00.000-05:00

This week I am thankful for (all work related):

Morning prayer. Every day. With my boss.
Mass at noon at the Cathedral. Every day.
An unexpected encounter on Tuesday at work that led to a new friendship over all of these emotions that no one else gets. She has a sweet new baby boy, but it was so nice to get a real-life hug and be told "I understand" by someone who really does.
My commute. It's "my" time. Somedays the music is loud; other days it's off; and others it is replaced by a rosary or audio CD.

What are you thankful for this week?

The 98% - Three More Days!

2012-03-07T00:30:00.000-05:00

Just a reminder that the linky for "We are the 98%" will close at 11:59 pm on Friday, March 10 - that gives you 3 days to add your share and share the linky on your post :). That's right - remember, you can share the linky on your post, just click the "get the code here" link at the bottom of the list and follow the directions :).

We are so grateful to those of you who have already shared your stories of using contraception and not knowing/following/understanding what the Catholic Church teaches. Thank-you!

To My Knees

2012-03-06T05:30:00.000-05:00

And just like that, the comfort of the darkness of Lent washed away and I was brought to my knees with the grief of it all. Yes, I realize that at CD5, I should be feeling better, but I'm a little slow, and thick-headed, sometimes. No, I did not spend the last 5 days thinking I could be pregnant, but I did spend them so busy I barely had time to stop or think.
And then there was my prayer meeting.
And then the drive home.
And then the tears. Again.
I have been brought to tears many times since starting on this road. But this was the first time I felt physically pulled to my knees by the weight of it. Physically. I went into our spare bedroom, the room that is meant for a baby - it has the closet with the afghan made by my great-grandma; the dresser that was my godmothers and then mine; and the rocking chair and bed that belonged to my great-grandma. It even has a child's night-time prayer on the wall and a crucifix suitable for a child's room. It has everything but the baby.
These things have been moving with me since I started college.
They've had their place in another room; in another house.
Even when my words and my surface feelings were ones of not wanting children, all of the plans and signs were there. The dresser was waiting; the rocking chair eagerly accepted; the afghan taken to save for a little girl someday.
And last night, for the first time, I allowed myself to go into that room and see it. Really see it. The dresser waiting to be refinished. The rocking chair waiting for new cushions. The afghan folded neatly on the shelf in the closet. I allowed myself to really see and consider it all. And to realize how badly it hurts that it hasn't happened. That there is no guarantee it will happen.
I have spent many hours in prayer on this journey; on my knees at church, in bed, in the shower, in the car. But today, I was pulled out of the rocking chair and to my knees in the middle of a room-that-isn't.

And I saw/pictured/felt (there just isn't a "right" word) Jesus behind me. Placing a hand on my back and looking upon me with gentle eyes, full of the same hurt that I feel. Reminding me that even when it doesn't feel like it, He is with me.

I was given a journal by Alison a while back. I knew as soon as I saw it what I would use it for: Letters to the baby we are hoping and praying for. I have only written in it twice. But now I know I will write in it more. I will do it in the room that is waiting. And I will tell the story of how the Grace of God and His Beloved Son are carrying me through.

Prayer buddy, I'm offerring this all up for you. Praying that whatever part of your house is waiting is filled soon. And to my prayer buddy, you must be doing some amazing praying because that image was so real and from so outside of me and exactly what I needed...thank-you.

Monday Mumbles

2012-03-05T18:39:00.000-05:00

1. It's Monday and it's time for Mumbles...because, seriously, how can you resist that face? So, when you're finished here, go visit TOOJE and Mumble some more :).

2. I keep forgetting to say Thank-you! to so many of you who responded to my pleas and changed your blog settings to be mobile friendly. 'Tis much easier to comment and read and I am grateful! (I made the request and posted instructions in #2 here.)

3. I am loving praying for my Prayer Buddy this Lent. Though, it's so. stinkin. hard. not to tell you who you are! Oh well, it's a fun secret to keep, and it has an expiration date. And prayer buddy, I have been offerring up all of my tears and anxiety for you.

4. The sting of CD1 doesn't last forever (thank God), but the emotions that follow in the days after, and sometimes seem delayed for me because my schedule can be so busy with so many things that require me to keep it together that I get caught off guard by some of the seemingly smallest things.

5. Winter tried to make a resurgence in the last couple of days - Kali, silly pup that she is, has been loving it.

6. Max has been conceding that if he is going to have another furry friend to cuddle with, it's going to have to be Mei Mei. I need to keep my actual camera nearby and not just my phone to get a picture of it.

7. I'm getting ready to head out the door for a Magnificat Intercessory Prayer team meeting. I always add all of you to our prayer intentions, I find such peace in praying for others. Keeps me out of myself and reminds me it's not all about me.

8. Not much else sends me into a panic attack quite like someone in "my" seat - ha! You have to check out this site (just click on the picture), it's great!

9. If I don't start running, swimming, and/or biking again soon the Pittsburgh 5K is really gonna hurt. Sara has way surpassed where I'm at, which is a good thing because she has the Pittsburgh Half-Marathon to worry about, but I'm planning to join in on some of her shorter runs. Cassie has a special white dress she's getting in shape for, so we are hoping to get in one run a week together. And then I'm quite sure Kali would not be opposed to getting some one-on-one time on a leash. That should cover my run days; the pool is always waiting; and soon enough it will be warm enough for the bike!

10. And that's about all I've got for today. Except to say that while that penguin is adorable, I'd really like spring to come back. Winter - you had your chance and you passed, it's Spring's turn.

A Favorite Blanket

2012-03-02T05:00:00.000-05:00

Despite knowing that the chances were low, my hopes were so high.

Despite making a few friends crazy with my refusal to POAS, I did get the directions out on P+16 eve just to be sure I'd know what to do this morning. But the need never arose.

I'd said "I'd rather a late-in-the-day arriving AF to tell me I wasn't pregnant than a negative test first thing in the morning." I got my wish.

And Lent has finally arrived in my heart. Until yesterday, I was struggling to get "into" Lent. I didn't feel penitent or prayerful, selfishly all I could feel was the hope I was fighting so hard. But yesterday morning, the promise of P+16, was too much. My hands settled on my abdomen as I showered, I considered the fact that there might actually be another little person in there. I snuggled into the hope like a comfy chair. Then, just after lunch, the darkness of Lent settled around me like a favorite blanket.

It is this dance of hope and darkness that characterizes this journey. this road. Two days ago, I couldn't fathom feeling the way I do today. I tried. I marveled at how hormones and emotions go together and how emotions I knew I would feel seemed so far away. And today, it is reversed and I wonder how it was possible I felt anything other than this darkness. This darkness that I craved; that I chastised myself for not feeling as Lent began; that reminds me my suffering is not in vain. This darkness that is lined with the promise of the light of the resurrection.

I know there is a reason for all of this. I know I may likely never know it this side of heaven. Through the tears, I see the fruits of this. Through the pain, I see the good. I feel the love of God through so many kind words and prayers sent over long and short distances. It is the kind words, the text messages and emails, the reminders that we are thought of and loved that line this blanket of darkness with the brightest Light.

It is in these days, when the comfort of my Lenten blanket overtakes the comfort of my hopeful chair. My heart is broken and embracing the chance to settle in and walk with Jesus towards Good Friday, wrapped in a favorite blanket of darkness lined with the softest love of the Body of Christ, hoping in the Resurrection of Easter.

Thankful Thursday

2012-03-01T09:21:00.001-05:00

This week I am thankful for:

All of the great posts linking up with our "98%" post. The linky will be active until March 10 (next Friday) so you have plenty of time to link up with us!
February Thunderstorms (I love thunderstorms!).
Dinner with Cassie.

What are you thankful for this week?

So this is what a real 2ww feels like?

2012-02-25T14:11:00.001-05:00

A couple of months ago, when I wrote about getting 2 nos every moth, I was really starting to hit the end of my rope with the BB. It started around P+6/7 and went until CD1 every. single. cycle.

But today, I'm on P+10 and all of my post-peak stickers are GREEN! That's right. No. brown. bleeding/spotting. at. all.

Praise God! and thank-you Dr. S.!!!!

It was the one thing I was really frustrated over - no one (even Dr. S.) seemed overly worried about all of this BB, but I knew it wasn't normal and I also was getting pretty sick of my charts being covered in red stickers and all of the practical implications of it.

So this is all great news. Except for my nerves.

It's P+10, and usually on P+10 I've already realized I'm not pregnant and even though the hope is still there, it is much more tempered than pre P+7 because consistent brown spotting is obviously not a good thing. But, today, I'm forcing myself to steer clear of Dr. Google. Especially since I have no "early pregnancy symptoms" to search for and make myself crazy with.

Yet, can I just tell y'all how high my hopes are? I've already planned how I'd tell everyone. I've calculated the due date; I've started picturing our spare bedroom as a nursery (something I haven't done in months) and we'd rearrange the other bedroom; and on and on and on.

And I'm scared.

Last year, the end of February marked one of the lowest points on this journey. Yes, we'd only been trying a little while, but it was the first month that I had truly convinced myself that all of my symptoms were pre-pregnancy symptoms (you know the symptoms I had every. single. month. prior) and that the BB was really just implantation bleeding that was lasting a long time, and, well you get the idea. So, I went out and bought a pack of pregnancy tests (for the first time in my life) and I figured out the day I would get to use one. It would be the morning after we were going out to dinner with my mom, Nan, and stepdad to celebrate Mom's birthday.

That dinner turned into my own personal nightmare with my Nan saying at one point "you can't just decide not to have children. You can't deny The Man being a father, you can't take that away from him."; with me going to the bathroom to find that I couldn't deny myself any longer, that AF had arrived; and with The Man (while I was making said bathroom trip) almost yelling at my Mom and Nan asking them "what do you want from us? Do you want us to tell you when we are trying? When we get a positive pregnancy test? What?!?"; and me returning to the table fighting back tears to an uncomfortable silence and so glad I had ordered a glass of wine to sip on (to avoid questions) because I don't think I'd ever needed a drink so bad in my life.

And here I sit. One year later, almost to the day. Full of hope I truly haven't felt since February last year. Trying to temper the hope. And still, because it is what I do, hoping that CD1 never comes.

Prayer buddy, I'm offering it all up for you!

Thankful Thursday

2012-02-23T00:30:00.000-05:00

This week I am thankful for:

No headaches! That's right, 6 days of prometrium taken vaginally and NO headaches!!!! Praise God and thank-you Dr. S!!!!!!
Prayer Buddies. I am so stinkin' excited about my prayer buddy!!!!
Seeing sunshine from my desk (my cube used to have frosted glass and I asked them to unfrost 2 of the panels so I could see out the windows and they finally did it this week).
Lent. Leila said it best, I think, when she said The Soul Craves Lent.
Blogger and my ~~stupid~~ work PC cooperating again!
For Michelle and her awesome idea for yesterday's joint post. If you haven't read it yet, please do, and consider adding your own story.

What are you thankful for this week?

We are the 98%

2012-02-22T06:00:00.000-05:00

98% is something we are hearing an awful lot in the news these days. Unfortunately, no matter how much the media and the current administration would love to continue repeating this statistic as fact, it’s actually come out that it was a pretty bogus statement to say that 98% of Catholic women use contraception.

It is irrelevant to the current fight over the HHS Mandate whether Catholics conform their lives to the teachings of the Catholic church or not. Sin is sin and even if many Catholics sin, the Catholic church will still teach that the use of contraceptives in order to prevent pregnancy, while engaging in the very act that naturally could result in pregnancy, is wrong. But the statistic (even though inaccurate) still begs the question...why don’t more Catholic women embrace this teaching of the Catholic faith? There are plenty of us out here who do embrace the Catholic faith - teaching on contraception and all, but we are oft-ignored by the Mainstream Media, Big Pharma, and now Big Government.

We are no experts, but we are two of those “98%” of Catholic women who have ever used contraception. We are Michelle of Endless Strength and Rebecca of The Road Home.

We are products of public school health/sex education. We are children from divorced families. We are cradle Catholics. We were sold short by our parents and Catholic schools. We were underestimated by our public education systems.

We searched for love as the world gives and not for the enduring Love of God our Father. We strayed from our Faith unsure of the Truth. We began our journeys home to the Catholic church with the men God saw fit to accompany and support us. We received Grace in the Sacrament of Marriage and miracles in our spouses. Our hearts softened and our wills crumbled to accept and to learn God’s plan for marriage and sex.

We used to feel angry that we had to find out on our own. We used to feel frustrated that priests, sisters, teachers and parents did not teach us the freedom of the Catholic teaching on sexuality. We used to feel lost and sad and alone.

Now we know that we are not alone. We are never alone for the Lord goes before us always and we continue to follow Him.

But more than that, we know there are many “98%’ers” out there. We want to share our stories to make sure Catholic women know the Truth WILL set you free!

We are free, no longer bound by the world’s requirements of sexuality and no longer tied to artificial hormones and barriers to the kind of sexual love God intended for married men and women. We no longer suffer physical side effects of pumping unnatural products into our bodies. We thrive in our marriages, looking at ourselves and our spouses with new eyes - the eyes of the Lord.

Today, we share our stories; how our views of sex, relationships and contraception existed before and after our knowledge and full embrace of our Catholic faith. We invite you to read our stories and then invite you to share yours.

How did you used to view contraception?

Michelle:
Age 16-19
Fear permeated my life. I was afraid of sex. I was afraid of my parents finding out I had had sex. I was afraid of losing sex. I was afraid of getting caught in the act of sex. I was afraid of the intended consequences of sex. So, it follows that I was afraid of condoms and then the pill. Even though I used them, they were physical reminders of the fear I felt. There was the underlying fear of pregnancy, of a baby, of a “mistake” running under the surface every time I popped a pill.

Of course at the time I did not see myself as full of fear. Only the wisdom that comes from experience can enlighten that aspect of those years. Back then, I felt like having sex empowered me, I learned well our culture’s lesson that sex was power that women held over men. Our culture views men as insatiable “pigs” who can not resist nor ever get enough sex. It is just as unhealthy to view men in this light as it is to view women as though they should always be at the ready, armed with contraception, ready to be used should the moment “be right.”

Ages 19-22
My view of the pill didn’t change that much other than I viewed it as necessary as well as the fact that I still feared a pregnancy, a baby, a “mistake.” I was in a long-term monogamous (on my end) relationship and I viewed the physical part of that relationship as a requirement to the rest of the relationship’s continuation. I considered the man “marriage material” because he was well-established socially and financially and he had goals that matched what I viewed as something “good.” He still used me, did not respect me or love me the way God loves me...but it was better than I had had with any other relationship, so I remained.

I finally realized that relationship wasn’t good for me either since the man had commitment-phobia, and it appeared the relationship was going nowhere. I stopped taking the pill the cycle I broke up with him. We had been living a long-distance relationship and on one of my visits, I got up the nerve and I broke it off. I had the nerve, though, BECAUSE I had stopped taking the pill. With the research I have read about how the hormones in birth control pills interact with women’s synapses and other hormones, I can see how perhaps I was thinking more clearly when I broke up with him than I had in years (I had been on the hormonal birth control for 5 years at this point).

Age 23-28
Overall, I was no longer as much in favor of contraception. After ending the long term relationship, I spent time going on dates, but not committing to anyone. After about 18 months, I met and began a relationship with my now-husband. While I began using contraception again early in our relationship, I never felt at peace about it. I was dabbling in returning to the Catholic faith and the underlying fears while using contraception were getting stronger. When marriage entered the picture, I had a heart-to-heart with my beloved, explained that the knowledge that premarital sex was wrong was enough that I felt compelled to ask that we attempt chastity as we prepared to marry. He agreed (that solidified my knowledge and feelings that I was marrying the right man) and for most of the next 8 months, as we prepared for marriage, my brain and body were external hormone-free and we remained separated physically.

A month before the wedding, I began taking birth control pills. At this point it was more of a surrender to the whole idea that we knew we didn’t want a baby 9 months after we got married and the pill was the way to avoid pregnancy. All I had ever known about sex was a mess anyway. (another blog post!)

When we decided to be open to a baby, we got pregnant the month after coming off the pill. I had read that you should try to wait 3 months, but it didn’t seem to have a negative impact on my pregnancy, labor, delivery and Sarah is now a healthy, vibrant 10-year-old.

Late in my pregnancy, Craig and I discussed how we’d continue to plan our family and agreed we’d “keep doing what we’d always done.” I was back on birth control pills the cycle after my 6 week check-up. My reversion to the Catholic faith was in full force during the next three months and then in January 2002, I pitched the pills forever. Now, I feel like that was the most freeing moment in my life, but it was kind of scary at the time.

Rebecca:
Prior to age 18, I didn’t give it much thought. Sure, I learned all about it in high school health class, but I wasn’t sexually active, so I didn’t really worry one way or the other. At age 18, 2 months after my birthday and 1 month after my “first time” I went for my first check-up (my mom insisted I go at 18 years of age because I was a “grown up” now. She asked if I had any questions or if I wanted her to go with me to the appointment and I said “no, I’d be fine.” I passed out during the exam and had to call my boyfriend to come pick me up. But I did get my prescription for birth control pills before I left.
A year later, I broke up with that boyfriend and started dating The Man. Our relationship moved very fast, especially if counted in days because we spent every waking minute together and at one month in we planned the “perfect” weekend and had sex for the first time. For the first 6 months or so of our relationship we had lots of great sex, and then (at about 18 months of taking the pill) my sex drive started to plummet. For the next 7 years, the #1 thing we fought about was sex...quality was never a problem, but quantity was and it took it’s toll. All I can say is he must really love me because in the midst of it all he still proposed and we got married.
For many years, I never connected the pill with my lack of sex drive. In fact, for a long time I called it a miracle drug - I lost 15 pounds when I started taking it, my breasts grew by one bra size, I had great skin, and oh yea, I couldn’t get pregnant while I was on it either.
Yet, a few months into our engagement I told The Man I didn’t want to have sex anymore until we got married because all I could think was “what if I get pregnant and have to call and tell my Dad?”
Even during our marriage prep, when the sponsor couple we worked with shared that they were infertile due to their use of contraception (an IUD), we never gave another method a second thought. If NFP was mentioned, it didn’t even make a “blip” on our radar.
Finally, I experienced headaches each month like clockwork. When I complained to my doctor and mentioned that I noticed a pattern related to when I was taking the placebo pill. The solution? Take 12 weeks of “active” pills (of a lower dose) and then one week of placebo. My reaction at the time? Nice! Only 4 periods a year. Works for me!!! Now? Shudder.

What prompted you to stop using contraception?

Michelle:
I was already suspect with regard to contraception anyway. As I mentioned before, the natural law present on my heart and soul was making its presence known as I grew older. It seemed to become deafening now that I was married and had actually had a baby. Something wasn’t sitting right inside of me about doing something artificially to prevent someone as amazing as Sarah from coming into the world.

There was an announcement in the bulletin at our parish that there would be classes available to learn Natural Family Planning and to call Penny or John and left their phone number. I asked Craig about it on one of our drives and he agreed that we’d look into it. We signed up for the course. John and Penny had a daughter old enough to watch Sarah while we took classes from them. We were unable to attend their first session, but they made time one Sunday for the first (and arguably the most important) session of the four. This session was rich in Theology, Catholic teaching, Papal encyclicals, statistics and most importantly, we received a cassette tape of Dr. Janet Smith’s talk, “Contraception: Why Not?”

We listened to that on our way home from John and Penny’s house that night. We sat in the car and finished listening to it before we went inside. I had continued taking pills that cycle because Craig and I were only going to “look into” NFP. That night, I pulled out the insert that came with my pills. I read the fine print. I read what I had just heard Janet Smith say, about the abortifacient properties of the pill. I was horrified. I tossed my entire supply and never refilled my prescription.

The idea that we could have unknowingly caused the death of children conceived both within and outside of our marriage over the years, weighed heavy on my heart. Sometimes it still does. I’ll never know until I meet God face-to-face if there were other little souls He had sent my way that I had not the Grace to accept.

Rebecca:
After 12 years of taking the pill, I was getting kind of sick of taking a pill every day and did some research to see what our other options for birth control were. I spent hours reading about and researching alternatives. The first time I read what an IUD was and how it works, I almost passed out (and I was sitting down!). I asked some questions at my next annual appointment about the alternatives (patch, nuvaring, shot, and even the IUD) and decided that it was best to just stay on the pill. Seeing as how I was at our local health department for this check up, I also walked out of the appointment with a one year supply. For free. Convenient? I thought so.
A few months later though, I started thinking that symptoms I had been having for years might be related to the pill like my headaches were - I was always feeling bloated, I was irritable and my emotions were often irrational, I had no sex drive (to the point of really thinking something was wrong with me), I was still getting headaches, and I felt sad and disconnected most of the time. I was surprised to learn thanks to Dr. Google that all of these symptoms were directly related to the pill. I then got out my pill pack and actually read the side effects (for real, for the first time ever) and was horrified to see that the effects I was having were all related to the pill AND that the pill could act as an abortifacient. I was horrified. I told The Man what I had found out and we decided that there had to be another method. I took the pill for a few more weeks while I did some research and in that time I started reading lots of Catholic blogs and really started to learn about NFP and “real” people who used it. Though my first explanation of NFP didn’t go as smoothly as I’d have liked (The Man decided we’d just not have sex again until we were ready to have children. Ummm, not exactly what I had in mind), we did decide no more birth control pills and tossed them in the trash without a real plan.

How did you learn NFP?

Michelle:
We learned the Sympto-Thermal method from a local teaching couple through the Couple to Couple league. The classes were given couple to couples, in a group setting and there was time set aside to review charts and discuss with couple one-on-one whatever challenges they might be facing.

Over the years, we have switched to Marquette, which uses a fertility monitor that measures estrogen and luteinizing hormone in the urine stream to establish PEAK days. Due to my unreliable temperatures and luteal phase defect, this method has turned out to be the one that works the best for us. We self-taught this method using the Marquette website and participating in their study on the efficacy of the monitor.

Rebecca:
We learned the Standard Sympto-Thermal Method of NFP from a teaching couple in Texas via skype. I “met” the lady of this couple via blogs and she and her husband taught The Man and I, each of us in our own living rooms 1500 miles apart.

We have recently learned the Creighton Model System of Fertility Care to address infertility. I learned via phone and skype from a Fertility Care Practitioner that works with the Natural Procreative Technology Doctor I’ve been seeing.

What differences (positive and negative) did you experience in your marriage?

Michelle:
BEFORE
Contraception added pressure to our marriage. As a woman who had had premarital sex with multiple partners before marriage, I felt keenly the pressure to “put out.” Even though I was now married, one would think that I wouldn’t think of it that way, but at its base, that is how I felt. I always felt guilty that I wasn’t having sex with my husband every night that I wasn’t on my period. I thought that was what we were supposed to do, being married and all. Then, because I wasn’t pregnant and because we were using a method that all but guaranteed we wouldn’t get pregnant, it would seem that we’d be up for anything, any time. We had nothing other than our jobs to stop us and in our over-sexualized culture, it seemed “natural” that we’d want to go at it constantly. Having a baby added to this pressure because when we did actually get her to sleep while both of us were awake and attentive, it would seem that we should take every second we could to embrace and engage our intimacy. In my warped brain, my value as a wife was directly related to how much, how good and how often I made love to my husband.

Before we learned NFP, I worried that my husband viewed my body as though it were imperfect...especially during that time after our first baby. I did not fit the “worldly” image of “hotness.” I was overweight and now, after carrying and bearing a child, my stomach and breasts sagged. I had stretch marks. So on top of fearing pregnancy, I feared that my husband didn’t even want to look at me. Please remember...this is how I felt and not at all anything that was voiced by my beloved husband.

AFTER
Embracing NFP opened up a whole new aspect to marriage that we’d completely missed out on in the marriage preparation and newlywed phases of marriage. It didn’t happen immediately, but over time using NFP has helped my husband and me to see each other and ourselves and sex differently.

I no longer see my husband as someone who can’t go a day (let alone a week!) without sex or else he will explode. In our fight against this over-sexed culture, we never focus on how unhealthy it is to view men as objects, but when we assign an animal quality to them, we demean them as well. I have so much respect for my husband because he practices self-control and is able to show me that he loves me without having sex. He talks to me. He is able to caress me in non-sexual ways that let me know that he loves me even if I’m not “putting out.”

I can only say how it seems my husband sees me. I feel as though he respects my whole person, fertility and all. I feel as though he sees my body - now with it’s many “worldly” imperfections from 5 pregnancies - as more beautiful than it was the day he married me. I feel like he treats me as though he would “do it all over again” with regards to a baby, should that be God’s will for us. I feel like he would lay down his life for me. This is how I feel about how he treats me. I feel embraced, desired, respected and loved.

When we are ready to be open to God’s Ultimate Gift, it heightens our experience to places we never imagined. When we have cause to avoid, it is a sacrifice to abstain during our more fertile time and it brings a sadness to both of us. Even when we have been open and not been blessed, it brings a sadness that is hard to describe, but of course, as we age, the possibilities of receiving the gift of a child become fewer and father between. And so even if we are not sacrificing through avoiding the fertile times, we are walking together, praying and learning to accept whatever God’s will for us may be.

Rebecca:
BEFORE
The only fights we ever had that kept us up late at night arguing, crying, and never reaching a resolution were related to sex. And they happened about once every 3 months. Sometimes more frequently. Just before we stopped using contraception we were both actually wondering if something was wrong with ourselves and the other. We always agreed the quality was good, it was just a quantity problem, and this was mostly due to me not having interest. Although there was plenty of “you just love my body and not me” that came out of my mouth, looking back, I realize how hurtful that must’ve been, especially considering the long periods between sex that The Man was enduring.
AFTER
This is a line that is so clear I will never forget it. The very day we decided no more birth control pills, our entire life changed. Drastically. Up to and including today, we have not had one single fight about sex since we decided to use NFP. And oddly enough {but not really}, the stress I felt every. single. time. we had sex while I was on the pill about the possibility of getting pregnant also went away, completely. Not once since we’ve been using NFP have I ever worried about an unintended pregnancy. Irony at it’s best, huh? NFP also brought us fully back to our Catholic Faith. We had been slowly flirting with coming home to our faith, we were attending mass pretty regularly, but that was pretty much it. Now, we are faithful, practicing Catholics and I even work for our Diocese as the Coordinator for Marriage and Family Life. Truly, NFP changed our entire life.

What struggles have you had with using NFP?

Michelle:
At first the abstinence was hard to get used to. But looking back, that seems silly because it’s not like we were going at it all the time before NFP (remember we had a baby, I had body image issues and sex issues...)

I also struggled because I was coming off birth control pills. The hormones have lasting effects on a woman’s body and my cycles were very strange. Couple the fact that my view of sex with my husband was not the healthiest with the fact that I had always been told all of my life from age 16 on that “just one occurrence of unprotected sex in your cycle can cause you to get pregnant” and we had quite a bit of abstinence. 12 years of indoctrination took some time to get past.

I remember the first cycle where we used some days in Phase III and then I got my period. Craig said, with a smile of relief, “It does work!” I remember that so vividly because it was right then and there that I knew I’d have his support for this going forward. I was unsure before that moment...and should I have become pregnant “unexpectedly”, I really don’t know what might have transpired. But we’d followed “the rules” for avoiding and we succeeded in avoiding.

We have not struggled all that much with conceiving. Each of our first three pregnancies occurred in the first cycle we were open. With Dominic it took two open cycles. With Vincent, it actually took five open cycles. One of those was an “indecisive” cycle where we abstained the whole time because I don’t know if we knew what we wanted to do.

One of the biggest things I miss is the mystery. I don’t know if I can write this properly. Basically, I find it difficult when I know we’ve hit the “perfect” days to find out we didn’t conceive. Though I didn’t experience this until I was in my mid-to-late 30’s. I know if I have really good quality fertile mucous and I know what my ovulation pain feels like and I know if we’ve given ourselves a good opportunity to achieve pregnancy. Because of our success early on, I start to believe I am actually pregnant, and then...when I’m not, it is quite difficult to stomach.

Aging has been a struggle and then just going through life, knowing that I won’t know that “I’m done” with children until menopause hits...just mainly worldly concerns have been the biggest struggles.

Rebecca:
I know that not everyone can say this, but our biggest struggle was way back in our 3rd or 4th month of charting when we had learned all of the rules for avoiding pregnancy and had used some post-peak days effectively and we were now in pre-peak days and I was wanting to make love. I started to initiate and The Man shook his head “no.” I stated “but today’s an infertile day,” and The Man replied “oh no, we are NOT advanced enough for that yet!” (meaning identifying pre-peak infertile days reliably) and he rolled over! Talk about a role reversal - I’m pretty sure that was the first time in our entire relationship I was interested in sex and The Man said no! Other than that, we have been hugely blessed with our use of NFP and the lack of struggle.

I will say that we have struggled with infertility for the past 19 cycles. While the struggles we’ve experienced aren’t related to NFP, we also wouldn’t have known about some of them without NFP - for example crying in the bathroom after having sex on fertile days because of the fear and dread that most likely we still weren’t pregnant. But, I can honestly say if we had gone straight from using contraception and the state our physical relationship and marriage were in to trying to conceive and not getting pregnant right away we would most likely have either ended up divorced or in such a fractured, unhealthy relationship there might have been no hope to ever get back that “new love.” Whether we ever conceive or not, the gift of a renewed marriage that NFP gave us will be more than we could have ever hoped or dreamed.

As you can see, our stories while they follow a similar path are unique. As products of our upbringing, we always strived to make the best decisions that we could, and we wouldn’t go back and change the paths we’ve taken because they have led us to where we are today, but if we can lead someone (just one person) down a smoother, healthier, holier path by sharing our experiences than it was all worth it.

While these questions and answers can make it seem like our decisions to leave the known world of contraception into the unknown world of NPF were easy, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Embracing the Church’s teaching on marriage and sexuality, when you have lived so counter to it, requires much dying to self, much reflection and forgiveness of self and spouse, and much opening of heart to see ourselves as our Creator sees us.

Choosing to embrace Natural Family Planning and the Church’s teaching on contraception, reproductive technologies, and marriage requires a willingness to live counter-culturally. Our society says sexual intimacy is for fun; that sex need not equal babies; that babies can be demanded or rejected; that cohabitation is a test run for marriage; and that at the first sign of marriage difficulty we should divorce. Telling someone we use NFP or don’t believe in using birth control is opening ourselves up to comments as neutral as “well, that works for you” or “that’s great for your beliefs” to as cruel as “breeder” and “you want to set women back 50 years.”

Blessed John Paul II said “as the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” We are the 98% who, at one point in our lives, rejected the idea that sex equals babies and bonding and tried to separate the two with contraception. Based on the state of society today, it has never been more important for us to speak out, share our stories, our tears, and our hearts with one another and bring the Truth to light.

These are our stories. What is yours?

Please join us by linking your post below. This list is created as a “blog hop” so you can also include the link list at the bottom of your post and encourage your readers to write their own stories. Just copy the code below the list into your HTML editor. When you post the code into your site, any one who links up will be on your list, whether they link up here, on your blog, or somewhere else. If you need help, email Rebecca at RebeccaWVU02 at gmail dot com. :) You have until March 10, 2012 at 11:59 pm to link up with us.

Post-Op Wrap-Up & Blogger Meet Up!

2012-02-17T06:30:00.000-05:00

I got to meet Isaiah and Mr. Isaiah on Wednesday! She happened to have an appointment with Dr. S. on the same day as I did and we were able to meet up for a late lunch and a great afternoon of conversation. It's always so awesome to put a voice with the words and face behind the blog - and it seemed The Man and Mr. Isaiah enjoyed getting to chat as well. It's always so refreshing to sit and talk with someone who truly "gets it" and to share stories and prayers. I appreciate every single one of my IRL friends who asks how we are/for updates and offers prayers, but to get to talk to another IFer in person is pretty much a priceless opportunity. I always got the premise behind support groups, but now I really get them. Thank-you so much for waiting to leave town and meeting us!

As you know, I saw Dr. S. on Wednesday for probably the last time. While I'm glad I don't have an immediate appointment scheduled, and I'm glad for Dr. S. that he is retiring, I'm sad that I won't see him again. There is a list a mile long that I could create about the reasons that I know he is a Saint walking on this earth. I'm so grateful to have been able to have my surgery with him and for the hours he's spent explaining, treating, and answering questions. Those of you who know Dr. S. know exactly what I'm talking about; those of you who don't, all I can say is that you have truly missed out.

So, what did my post-op appointment glean?

All of the endo Dr. S. saw was removed. The biopsy's came back negative for anything but endo, so that is good. Endo was on both ovaries, worse on lefty and on my bladder...but it's all gone now!
During my pelvic exam, I was shocked (truly) at the lack of discomfort I felt. I had just assumed that all of the discomfort I felt during my pre-op exams was normal. Now, that's not to say that it wasn't uncomfortable, I mean, really, when someone pushes on the same spot from both inside AND outside your body at the same time, it doesn't feel good, but I had NO idea it wasn't supposed to feel like it did pre-surgery until Wednesday. I'm pretty sure Dr. S. thinks I'm crazy and though to himself "yep, this is why I'm retiring" because I kept saying over and over again how stunned I was at the difference. (And I didn't need a re.ctal exam either - double yay!!!)
My tubes are indeed open. There's no way to know what caused the blockage, but Dr. S. said they should be considered open unless we get to 12 - 18 months from this point without conceiving and then we should redo the HSG portion of the surgery
The "plan" is to continue TTC for 6 - 9 months with just the luteal phase support. If no bfp by then, schedule an appointment with Dr. D. (a partner in Dr. S.'s practice) to look into ovulation support.
The only possible change we may make to this "plan" is this cycle we are trying prometrium vag.inally to see if the headaches I get are related directly to the prometrium or to the way it is absorbed into my system. (My concern was if I do get pg and need progesterone support, am I destined to the headaches - so Dr. S. said this was one way to find out). If this doesn't work and I still get the headaches, we will switch to HCG next cycle.

So, today it is P+3, which means day 1 of prometrium and the 2ww has begun. Trying to remind myself that no ones gets pregnant on the first post-op cycle. Trying to remind myself that we only have suspicions that I do indeed ovulate regularly. Trying to remind myself that while we have received many answers, there is no guarantee this road is coming to an end any time soon.

Thankful Thursday

2012-02-16T00:30:00.000-05:00

This week I am thankful for:

Dr. Steg.man

(Yes, I will write a more detailed post about my appointment yesterday soon.)

What are you thankful for this week? Leave your intentions in the comments or link your post up.

A Mess of Ramblings

2012-02-12T19:36:00.001-05:00

There has been so much swirling in my head and heart these days, and usually when this happens something resembling something coherent usually emerges here. But there is so much and nothing seems to be emerging with any clarity, yet I feel like I must get it out. So, please excuse the rambling and the mess that I'm sure is to follow.
------------
Perhaps someday I will learn to not consult Dr. Google. Perhaps, but not likely. In a frantic search to try to make myself feel somewhat better (that perhaps I did not cause our IF with the pill...because PCOS and insulin resistance can be caused by the pill, and 12 years of it is surely enough to cause some problems, right?) But I figured, surely the pill can't block fallopian tubes, right? And if my fallopian tubes have been blocked this whole time, then my chances of having aborted tiny, newly conceived babies over the past 12 years are probably a whole let less then too, right? Well, I'm glad to say that it does not appear the pill causes blocked tubes but what does cause blocked tubes? PID, STDs, and endometreosis.

Lovely.

Seriously, why do I do this to myself?

------------

The weight of the HHS controversy feels heavier than ever. I think because it is bringing out the worst on both sides of it all. And I hate the misconceptions about what I believe and what the Catholic Church teaches that are out there. It really is sad. Especially sitting on the experiences that The Man and I have had and being treated like I'm stupid because I don't agree with contraception. No one has said anything directly, it's just that the information that is out there equates to "if you oppose contraception, you must be stupid, brainwashed, and stuck in the 1950's" and, honestly the only word to describe how I feel about that is "heartbroken."

During mass today, I just kept asking why? Why must we be facing this? Why won't God just step in and "fix" it all? And then I remind myself that that is not how God works. He gave us free will. And yet, the burden still feels so heavy. Lord, have mercy.

------------

Wednesday I see Dr. S. for my follow-up. I've got my list of questions, and The Man and I are going to use the time in the car to decide where our limit is - just how far we will go. As I write those words, I feel the pressure I'm putting on myself because I'm equating "how far we will go" with "how badly do I want children" and there is a part of me that knows that's not how this works, yet it feels like it does. Like if I'm not willing to do x, y, or z I must not really want to be a mom.

Oh yea, and it will probably be the last time I see Dr. S. because of his retirement. So how to proceed is also a huge decision we have to make. Especially if follicular studies are in our future...3 and 1/2 hours for a daily ultrasounds is really unrealistic for us (enter little voice that says if you really wanted to be a mom...).

------------

Of course there is the new roller coaster ride. The "I"s on the chart corresponding with white baby days and the hope and the fear and all of it. That cycle "off" was kinda nice, but it seems to have made this month all that much more stressful. There is just something wrong about sobbing in the bathroom after making love to your husband...sobbing tears full of fear that there may never be a day that he gets to hear the words "I love you Daddy."

------------
I find myself feeling torn between the life I have and the life I want all over again (it never really goes away, sometimes it just gets put on the back burner). I love my job; I'm considering beginning a Master's Degree program. And yet, there is the wonder "how will I possibly work full time, go to grad school, and be a mom" and the fear that I'm being selfish by considering grad school. And the fear that maybe I'm just considering it so that I have a plan "b" something to keep my busy if motherhood is not in my future. Some days, some moments, this is the hardest part, balancing on the thin line between gratitude for what I have and planning for what I want, and frankly, for preparing myself for what happens if I don't get what I want.

------------

I'm clinging these days. To the promise that all things are possible with God and that for everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven. Clinging that it is possible we will emerge from this season, that there is a purpose for our IF, and that He will be glorified because of it. I continue to pray for a baby, but I pray even stronger for the grace to continue this journey. It is truly by grace alone that I keep moving forward and if it is the only prayer He answers, I will be grateful for it.

Thankful Thursday

2012-02-09T00:30:00.000-05:00

This week, I am focusing on things about The Man that I am thankful for...

patience
gentleness
willingness to let the dogs out in the cold, the rain, the snow (pretty much anything other than 75 and sunny)
love of our nieces
his Faith

There is so much more, but these are the ones on my heart today.

What are you thankful for this week? Add your post or leave your intentions in the comments.

For Tonight, 2/7/12

2012-02-07T22:18:00.000-05:00

For ~~Today~~ Tonight, February 7, 2012...A glimpse into my day, just an ordinary day.

Outside my window...unseasonably warm weather. I am not complaining, but I wouldn't mind some actual winter weather this season.

I am thinking...that it's three weeks post surgery and I just used my first white baby sticker for the cycle. No pressure.

I am thankful for...an awesome 3 days of travel for work.

From the kitchen...it's 10pm, so not much. But there is one vanilla salt caramel left...

I am wearing...my new, comfy, awesome, WVU sweats.

I am creating...a continuing, very long awaited Flat Stanley project. It's been done twice, mailed once (without enough postage, so it came back), and yet it's still here and I'm tweaking it again. He just went on another adventure with me and is going on one more tomorrow! Who knew WV was so fun? (That's a trick question!)

I am going...to Shepherdstown tomorrow.

I am reading...The Traitor's Wife and Witness to Hope.

I am hearing...the TV catching me up on my shows I DVR'd while traveling.

Around the house...neatness. The Man always straightens up my messes when I travel.

One of my favorite things...

A few plans for the rest of the week...travel to Shepherdstown to give a Theology of the Body presentation to the college students at Shepherd University; teach class; go to the office; and mail Flat Stanley...not matter what other fun things I might come up for us to do.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing...

Picture links to where it was borrowed from ;).

Thankful Thursday

2012-02-02T00:30:00.000-05:00

This week, I am thankful for...

My cleaning people. Seriously, coming home to a clean house is the best!
Daily mass. I know I mention this one a lot, but it really is one of my favorite "perks" of my job.
Warmer weather again this week. (Though I'm a little worried that winter is going to strike in a fierce way - oh well, I'll enjoy it while it lasts and then I'll enjoy the snow when it comes.)
Vanilla Salt Caramel Chocolates. Yea, they're as good as they sound.

What are you thankful for this week?

Heavy Burden

2012-02-01T17:34:00.001-05:00

With all of the talk about Contraception going on in the news, I have felt such a heavy burden on my heart. Now, this could also be due to the fact that it is CD3 and I'm not loving this 1st post-surgery AF at all, but I think it's more than that, especially since there was no chance of anything but AF this month. But it's all about full-disclosure, here, right? ;)

Anyway, this burden is twofold. One piece is that I know so so well how those who think we are just "crazy Catholics" are thinking. Just a few short years ago, I was one of them. I know how much prayer and research and opening of my heart and mind that it took me to understand. And as I sit here watching CNN, I can feel my chest tightening from the fear of what might be coming. I want to have the perfect words and the perfect answer and the perfect examples and just make everyone see and understand. And I feel the weight of this cross of standing up for what I believe and speaking it with love and living it well.

And then there is this fear and guilt. This fear and guilt that has been underlying every day since I tossed the birth control pills in the trash. Did I do this to myself? Did I bring this IF into our lives? I know that God doesn't sit in heaven handing out punishments, and I'm truly grateful. I also know that there are consequences for our actions. The state of our marriage pre and post NFP are proof of that. Inherent evil = bad things, even if you don't know it's evil. Are the scars on my abdomen and the tears on my cheeks the consequences of 12 years of birth control? I'm so angry at all I didn't know. And more, I'm so angry that I didn't look for answers myself. That I believed what I was hearing and what I wanted to believe. And I'm so ashamed of all the times I defended it all.

And when I combine these two, this burden of the Truth and the fear and guilt, I get anger and the desire to run away. Ireland is a nice Catholic country, right? And someone mentioned Malta on FB the other day. But I know this is not the solution. And as I'm so close to the edge on any given day that to step into the fight openly and face those I know IRL who feel differently brings that flight instinct to a whole new level.

I am struggling to sort through this all. On a bigger-than-me level, I'm scared of what is to come and trying to have hope and confidence that Truth will win out. Personally, it's much the same. I'm scared of what is to come and I'm trying to have hope and confidence in God's will.

HHS Mandate - Lord Have Mercy

2012-01-31T22:03:00.001-05:00

So, since contraception is considered preventative care (to prevent a woman from getting pregnant who does not want to) and the Obama Administration says all preventative care must be covered, well then...

Infertility treatments (that prevent a woman from not being able to get pregnant who wants to) must also be covered without having to jump through hoops and find doctors who know special insurance codes, right?

No?

And treatments that can help prevent cancer (like removing endometreosis and treating PCOS) should be covered for free too, right?

No?

Oh, I must have missed something.

And I was pretty sure I'd read this somewhere:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof (emphasis added).

Yea, I know that one is true.

Sure am glad I signed this petition.

There is so much more I want to say, but my heart is heavy and mostly it has all been said here and here and many other places.

Lord have mercy on us.
St. Michael, defend us.

Thankful Thursday

2012-01-26T00:30:00.000-05:00

This week, I am thankful for...

Unseasonably warm weather. The snow will come, but 55 degrees on Monday was enjoyable.
The Man. Apparently, I'm not as tough as I thought and on Monday when I got home from work all I had the energy to do was change from work clothes into sweatpants, grab a blanket and head to the couch. His patience is amazing.
An unexpected day at home yesterday. (Everything was OK, my travel plans changed at the last minute.)
Daily Mass. It's been almost 2 weeks since I've been able to go and I am so looking forward to lunchtime spent with Jesus today.

What are you thankful for this week? Leave your intentions in the comments or write your own post and link it up below!

The Difference a Year Makes

2012-01-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

As I was traveling to Charleston for the marriage preparation weekend, I couldn't help but reflect on just how much has happened in the past year. This same weekend last year, The Man and I gave our very first witness talk about NFP. At that time, I was planning to leave my existing position to begin working with children with hearing loss again. Many things happened to prolong my staying at my then-current job and many things I wanted to happen in regards to working with children with hearing loss didn't. But what did happen was we told our story for the first time. We answered tough questions about the difference between NFP and contraception. And we were invited back.

Since this weekend last year, we have shared our story many times, but we've also been to and from Texas as we became a teaching couple and as a result of sharing our story, I was called into ministry. A year ago, I had my "plan" and sitting here today in the same pastoral center as last year, I can't help but look at the "then" and "now". This year, The Man is not with me (something silly about having to work since he had so many days off this week ;). Why oh why must we have money?), but the couple who is giving the NFP is witness is wonderful and I know they will reach the couples in the room. And while a part of me will always miss the classroom and my sweet kiddos, I am comfortable in my own skin professionally in a way I never knew was possible. I can't describe it, but The Man has said I am more self-confident than he has ever seen me. I'll take that as a compliment thankyouverymuch.

I also can't help but think about the differences and similarities regarding our TTC journey. It's strange how similar the feelings are today as they were last year, especially considering how far away from these feeling I felt for so much of the most recent months. Last year, I felt like we were sitting on a huge secret and I was still planning each month just how we could tell our families that we were expecting. We were 5 cycles in and still in that phase of almost pure hope, though I always just *knew*. This year it's not such a huge secret, but I found myself going to those plans again as I drove yesterday. Thinking of and planning for sweet ways to share the news that we so hope to share one day soon.

The difference in the planning, was the innocence of it all last year. The feeling of *just knowing* this was going to be the cycle and having the "plan" for sharing the news all ready down to the details. This year it is more a general, "we'd get to tell them on x holiday or y holiday." There is a temperance to the hope that I'm somewhat glad for because it shows I've learned something and can somewhat protect myself from the crash that may come as I come down off this post-surgery high.

Just over two years ago we put our marriage totally in God's hands. We dug ourselves out of the depths of doing it "our way" and opened our hearts to His way. When we share our witness, we stop at this point. We talk specifically about how our marriage has gotten stronger and how much healthier I am. What we don't share is what has transpired over this past year. What we don't share is that without learning NFP and surrendering to God, we probably don't make it to today with our marriage intact. When I consider what the last year would have looked like without the year prior, I physically shudder and I see only the mercy and grace of God.

For 5 years, we were unaware of the harm that contraception was causing to our marriage. For one year, we saw, almost immediately, the healing that came to be when we removed contraception. And for the past year, we have seen the fruits of this healing amidst the deepest struggle and heartaches of our lives. What a difference a year makes.

Surgery Wrap Up

2012-01-20T09:10:00.000-05:00

To say that everything went smoothly this week would be an understatement. It is Friday morning and in a couple of hours I go back to "the real world" when I head south for a Marriage Preparation Weekend. I was fully prepared to not be able to make this trip today and to be feeling pretty miserable.

But I don't. I actually feel really good. I do get tired a bit faster than usual, but I've been napping and taking it easy when I do. I also have a few naps planned for this weekend as well to make sure I don't over do it.

Surgery has proved to be all of the things you all promised it would be: easier than I expected, healing, hope-providing, answer-giving. I won't know the full details of the "plan" from here until my post-op on the 15th, but I do know that for today at least I am endo-free and have open tubes. A few questions remain, specifically related to the BB and low progesterone...was the endo contributing to one, both, or neither of these (there was endo on at least one of my ovaries)? If not, what can we do about them?

I have only positive things to say about H.oly Sp.irit Hos.pital and everyone I came in contact with there. From the very first nurse who walked me back to the outpatient surgery center in the morning to the volunteer who pushed my wheel chair out the doors in the afternoon, everyone was kind and caring.

The moments that Dr. S. took to pray with me before we went into the operating room and {trying, they took my glasses} to focus on a crucifix on the wall while waiting for the anesthesia to kick in were the two moments when I knew very clearly that this path was the correct one for us. In fact my only tears of the day were saying good bye to The Man and when Dr. S. and I prayed together.

I remember when I was just waking up and a nurse was giving me pain meds and then Dr. S. came over to talk to me. I don't know if my eyes were open or not, because I remember thinking "pay close attention to what he says so you remember" and I remembered almost all of it. I only had to get clarification from The Man on whether or not he was able to clear the partially blocked tubes. Considering I have a hard time remembering auditory information when I'm coherent, I'm pretty proud of myself.

I think the most important thing for me is that Dr. S. felt this surgery was needed and will give us a good chance of conceiving. This was my biggest worry, mostly because when The Man and I were deciding what to do, we agreed that if Dr. S. were not retiring we would have probably opted for a few more months of the meds I recently started (Met.formin and prometrium (switching to HCG)) to see if they would "fix" the problem without surgical intervention. But, when factoring in the news that in a few more months, if the meds didn't "fix" the problems we would be having surgery with someone else we weren't willing to risk a "should've done" situation. We went NaPro because we were confident in surgery with Dr. S. So, to have our concern confirmed, that no amount of time would have removed the endo or cleared my tubes we are so grateful to have proceeded as we did.

So, where does this leave us now? Hopeful. So hopeful that I have tried to temper this hope because I know this ride may not be over. I am actually more hopeful now than I was the very first TTC cycle, how weird is that? I have that "we're gonna get pregnant on the first try" feeling and while I'm grateful for it, I'm also scared of it. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, but I also don't want to be negative and gloom and doom. I'm searching for some middle ground here and trying to be realistically hopeful. I do think it is a good thing that there will not be any "trying" until after my appointment on the 15th and that will help to keep me balanced.

Thank-you again for all of the prayers, emails, texts, FB messages, calls, everything. I tried to explain this whole blogging thing to The Man on the way to Harrisburg on Monday and I've just come to understand there is no way to explain it. You either "get it" or you don't. Thank-you for allowing me to be a part of the blessed ones who do.

Thankful Thursday

2012-01-19T09:16:00.000-05:00

This week, I am thankful for oh so much I am not even sure where to begin. This will probably be longer than usual and a little rambly, but here we go...

Safe travels to and from Harrisburg.
A successful surgery that did indeed provide hope with endo removed and tubes cleared.
Family who traveled the almost 4 hours to be with us...my Dad who was waiting for us at the outpatient surgery center when we got there at 6:30 am and my in-laws who stayed Tuesday night to help us with anything we needed. I will never be able to tell them all how grateful I am.
For Dr. S. A doctor who prays with you before surgery and entrusts you to the care of Mary, that is a special man. As I said to my dad "It's such a blessing to have a doctor who doesn't think he is God, but rather asks for God's help."
For endo removed.
For clear tubes.
For hope.
For bloggy friends who drove from near and far to see me. Humbled doesn't even begin to describe it. Thank-you TCIE, Polkadot, Ania, and E (my FCP). (Ania has a beautiful recap that I'd just like to say "ditto" to :)).
For The Man. He is my rock. He's witnessed and experienced things no husband should be asked to experience and done it without batting an eye.
For Jenny offering to post an update for me. Thank-you so so much.
For the pre-op pep-talk from Hebrews.
For the texts and love from Alison.
For the prayers and sweet comments left on this blog.
For no bad side effects from anesthesia.
For the sweet nurses who were so kind to me from start to finish; specifically for Linda who held my hand while the anesthesia was being administered.
For getting to wear my own socks.
For new sweatpants.
For phone calls and texts from Nicole.
For dinner with C. and her family the night before.

There is so much more, I could probably go on for days. I will write a more complete wrap up tomorrow. For today, I am thankful. More thankful than I thought it was humanly possible to be. For once, the tears are happy tears and there just aren't words for how good that feels.

What are you thankful for this week?

Surgery Update!!!

2012-01-17T17:09:00.001-05:00

Hey Everyone -

This is Jenny from All Things with an update on Rebecca's surgery!

The surgery went great! Dr. S. removed Stage II Endometriosis that was found in about 7 spots. Rebecca also had partially blocked tubes, that are now clear! Whoo Hoo!!!

She is feeling ok, but very sleepy (and feeling a bit hopeful, too)!!! Please keep her in your prayers as she continues to recover from surgery!

Hoping for Hope

2012-01-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

I think it was a good thing that my surgery got scheduled so quickly, because I've been so busy that I've barely had time to stress out too much about it and now it's tomorrow and we are on our way to Harrisburg for all of my pre-op appointments.

The few times I've had to stop and think about the surgery, I find myself feeling a little panicky about the surgery itself. I know that it's really not a major surgery, but since this is my first experience with any type of anesthesia I am nervous about that. My control freak self is in full-out mode worrying about it all.

I did buy myself a new pair of sweatpants to wear though. Of course they are WVU.

Ahem.

But when I consider the surgery, what I'm most hopeful for is hope. So far, nothing they've found has been the "ah-ha! that's IT". A very mild case of PCOS, some insulin resistance, low progesterone and some slightly low morphology for The Man. But nothing that says "yep, this is why it's taken 19 cycles and still no pregnancy." While I know that the combination of these factors may be the "ah-ha!" it just doesn't seem that we have the answer yet. And no one has yet said this either. (Maybe they don't ever?)

So for tomorrow, I'm hoping for hope. The kind of hope that will come from Dr. S. saying that everything does look good and that the meds I am on just need some more time to work. But, honestly? I'm scared. Down in that part of my stomach where worry resides and is usually proven to be true, I'm worried. That there is more to this puzzle.

I'm afraid to have actual hope that we will get purely good news. All I can do at this point is to hope for hope.

Thankful Thursday

2012-01-12T04:00:00.000-05:00

This week, I am thankful for...

This exchange on FB messenger with my MIL (um, yes, there were tears when I read this):

MIL: Don't want to intrude, but if you guys would like, we could come over to wait with The Man on the day of the procedure. This is a good opportunity to get some good information/answers.
ME: No intrusion at all. I will leave that up to you guys and The Man...I think my Dad is also planning to come over as well...I'm sorry this is such an inconvenience and not closer to home.
MIL: Not an inconvenience. Repeat after me, "what an opportunity."

This exchange with The Man via email after geting his se.men an.alysis back (it was mostly good news) (and yes, there were tears when I read this too)

ME: I love you...it seems most of our problems lie with me...I'm sorry I'm broken.
The Man: Not broken! God made you perfect. He has a plan, we're only human. Not meant to know the big picture for our lives.

A friend offering prayers for "faith, hope, and joy amidst all this crap." If we can remain faithful, hopeful, and joyful no matter what the outcome we are blessed beyond measure. I am grateful for these prayers.
Oh yea. Good SA results! Count, motility, and grade all well above average (yes, The Man totally did a little "I'm better than average" cheer.) Morphology slightly under average, but Dr. S. has a plan and will share it with us on Monday.
Getting to meet TCIE, Polkadot, and my FCP in person next week! Too bad I'll be a day post-op and probably won't be tons of fun.
Most importantly this week, for all of the encouragement as surgery comes next week and for family who is willing to rearrange their lives to drive 4 hours to sit in a waiting room with The Man.
AND...comment threads on blogger!!!! Yay! Yay! Yay! (Click here for directions.)

What are you thankful for this week? Link up below or leave your thankful intentions in the comments. As always, thank-you for joining me!

Why NaPro?

2012-01-09T20:28:00.000-05:00

A while back Rae wrote about why she was not choosing NaPro for her fertility care treatments and it really made me think about why we were choosing NaPro for ours.

As I write this, I almost feel like I need to give it a Can of Worms label and prepare myself for the backlash, but I'm not writing it for that reason. I'm not writing it to condem anyone's choice that may be different from mine, whatever it may be. I'm writing this because I want to remember why we made the choices we've made; I want to share the whys behind our journey thus far.

Back when The Man and I decided to learn NFP, we had no idea that we would have trouble conceiving. In fact, we were petrified of NFP 'failing' and ending up pregnant. Oh, those were the days - ha! It wasn't long before we were 1) confident in NFP that the fears went away and then soon after that 2) realized that my charts weren't exactly 'normal' and that something might be 'off.' My charts weren't crazy enough to cause us any real alarm though and we went along charting and postponing until one month when we decided that we no longer had just cause to postpone and that it was time to open the door a little further and to use our fertile days.

Well, you know the story from there to today: fertile days used --> fears of not getting pregnant realized.

And so we were faced with choices as to how to move forward. Some choices were not for us, for many different reasons and others we spent time looking into. Sweet Rae even tried to help us out by looking for a Catholic doctor closer to us. She realized that I'm not kidding when I say we don't have many (any?) resources here.

And so, the day came when my 'regular' doctor's office could do no more for us and were referring us on to a specialist. We were faced with two choices:

1) Go to the specialist and advocate for what we were and were not willing to do ourselves.
2) Go to a doctor who we knew would respect our wishes.

Now, if I were going with a friend and advocating for her - no problem. Let's go. I'll explain why she wants to do things this way or that and we'll figure out a plan together.

But this was for me and when my 'fight or flight' response kicks in, the only part that really kicks is the flight response. I knew where our lines were, but I also knew that I did not have the energy to fight for them. I knew that if I was asked to cross the line the only response I would have would be to just disregard the doctor's advice. No explaining. No asking for another way. No advocating.

I'm outspoken and talkative, but this IF journey brings me to my knees. It causes me to want to curl up inside myself and wish for it all to go away.

So faced with the 2 choices, we decided it was time to go to a NaPro doctor; to learn Creighton; and to take the next step. The reasons for this choice include:

If surgery was in my future, Dr. S. is one of the best and has an amazing reputation. He is also conservative and surgery is not his automatic first step.
Of the other Catholic, but non-NaPro, doctors that were close (meaning drivable in less than a day) to us, Dr. S. was closer.
Billing is done in such a way that the insurance covers most things since the goal is to heal whatever is wrong rather than 'just' get pregnant. While I wish money had nothing in this, it does. If our insurance wasn't covering Dr. S. we wouldn't be seeing him.
The Nurse Practitioner was willing to see me with my almost 2 years of Sympto-Thermal charts and just 10 days of CrMS charts.

It was that last one that was one of the biggest "selling" points. I know there is value in my ST charts to have that respected was important to me. Learning to chart CrMS was stressful and I would have been totally lost were it not for my ST training. I still don't like not having temps each month, but I've been a good patient and only charted CrMS since we started.

With surgery right around the corner, and realizing that if we had waited any longer it would have been impossible to be a patient of Dr. S, we are glad we went down this road. I will say that were Dr. S. not retiring, we might have decided to wait a few more cycles before surgery, but seeing as how we can't go back in time, we are moving forward with the best decision we can make based on the information we have. We are at peace with this decision and are praying for good results.

I wish that the decision weren't NaPro or no-NaPro but just good health care. I wish that the WVU Center for Reproductive Medicine didn't have a reputation for producing multiples and an answering service that gives IVF as it's first option right after "press 1 if you are calling from a doctor's office." I wish that this amazing reproductive technology were accepted by main stream medicine for it's ability to heal rather than being rejected because it is "Catholic" (or perhaps because it is not as profitable?).

Mostly, I just wish that my body worked right and I could get pregnant "the old fashioned way." And NaPro is giving us the best chance of that.

Quick Takes

2012-01-06T07:30:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday!

1. How was my week learning Karol Wojtyla's Love and Responsibility from Janet Smith? Um? A.maz.ing! Factor in daily mass, prayer, adoration, reconciliation, and more and it's indescribable. I am so blessed to have a job that allows me such amazing opportunities. I head back home today.

2. Wednesday night gave me proof that God does indeed care about the small things! I was distraught (not an exaggeration) that I wasn't going to get to watch the Orange Bowl with WVU playing Clemson. The Man was even kind of surprised that I didn't change my plans for the whole week (I decided that would have been a violation of the whole "thou shalt not have other gods before Me" detail). BUT, after adoration, I sat down to get ready to listen to one of our local radio stations online and thought, I'll just check one more time and see if I can watch ESPN live here. WELL, while our internet provider at home does not support ESPN live streaming (stupid Comcast!) the one here (in the middle-of-nowhere, PA) did! So, I got to watch the Orange Bowl. God does love me! Here's a screen shot before the last TDs were scored:

3. AAAANNNNND....WVU won, 70 - 33 was the final score. Yes, that was a football game! I'm pretty sure my fellow classmates think I'm totally insane, but I'm OK with that :). It will be a great offseason to be a Mountaineer!!! (Though I am a little nervous our defensive coordinator may leave :(.)

4. Sorry about the Linky on yesterday's post - I thought I had it all set to work when I scheduled the post... apparently I was wrong :(.

5. It seems like weeks at the TOB Institute coincide with big news on the IF front. Last time it was my first visit with P. (the Nurse Practitioner (NP) that works with Dr. S). This time it was getting a surgery date! January 17. That is in 11 days. I know in my head that this surgery is really no big deal, but I am pretty freaked out about it. It's a lot of logistics to work out and so soon and just, well, a big deal I guess. I was blessed with the opportunity to go to mass within 15 minutes of getting the surgery date, and while I walked in on the verge of tears and could barely sing the gathering hymn, I was blessed to receive the peace of Christ in the Sacrament of the Eucharist. It was a profound moment in my understanding of how we are called to draw our strength through the sacraments.

Picture links to source.

6. So, as it relates to my freaking out: if I could ask for your prayers for a sense of peace and not fear about this. I'm sure it's just a fear of the unknown as it relates to the surgery specifics, but I also know that it is a fear of what it is unknown about the results and what it will mean for our future TTC. There is also a sense of anger and, really, an extreme sadness that we are at this point. I know many of you have walked a road much longer, and some of you are just at the beginning, but I'd like to think that when faced with these milestones, these "next steps" that we all feel similar in the sense that "all I wanted to do was make love to my husband and make a baby." You know, do things "the old fashioned way." We long ago passed that, but each time there is such hope that "this" will just be it. That the only next step will be picking out names and decorating a nursery.

7. One thing I am grateful about is that I will be having my surgery and follow-up with Dr. S. before he retires. I did know of his retirement when I had my appointment (he told The Man and me at the end), and I'm so extremely grateful to have taken the steps we took and being able to have Dr. S. do my surgery. He was the only reason I was comfortable moving forward with NaPro and getting in for the surgery is such a blessing I am grateful for. The date will make things a bit challenging for work, so if you would please also pray that it goes smoothly on that front as well.

Have a great weekend and don't forget to visit Jen for more Quick Takes!

Thankful Thursday

2012-01-05T07:30:00.000-05:00

This week, I am looking back at last year and being thankful for...

Reading through the entire bible in 90 days.
Seeing the light and becoming truly pro-life (not just "for myself")
Traveling to Texas to become NFP Teachers (and getting to meet Alison in person for the first time!).
My godfather's amazing recovery.
A new job working for the Diocese.
ESPN College GameDay came to Morgantown!!!
Our goddaughter.
Learning Creighton.
Getting some answers about why we are IF.
Seeing Dr. S.
WVU Football (even if it will be the death of me).

What were you most thankful for last year? Link your post below or share your thankful intentions in the comments.

Orange Bowl

2012-01-04T20:33:00.000-05:00

Let's goooooooooo Mountaineers!!!!!!

Prayers for Life

2012-01-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

Back in October a Priest directed me to offer up my pain of IF for those victims of abortion. TCIE has also written about doing this and both times it made such sense to me. I would like to say I have been consistent in offering up my pain, but more often than not I offer it for my fellow IFers instead. I'm not exactly proud of this, but it is the truth.

With all of that said, I am going to begin a 14-day prayer for life to end on Monday, January 23 - the March for Life day and I thought I would ask if anyone would like to join me.

My basic plan:
To pray a rosary and a divine mercy each day with intentions for the ending of abortion, for the conversion of those who believe the lies they are told, and for the healing of those affected by abortion.
To pray the prayer to St. Michael each day, if we ever need protection from the snares of the devil, it is in this fight.
And to attend mass or adoration as much as possible (each day to do at least one is my goal).

I will post more details on Monday, January 9, including a button if you'd like to join me. The 14 days will be January 10 - January 23.

December Appointment with Dr. S.

2012-01-02T13:37:00.000-05:00

So, have I mentioned I went to see Dr. S. a couple of weeks ago? (Hehe)

Well, it was a lot to process from all of the technical information to the emotional stuff, but here is my best shot at it.

Technical Stuff:

Appointment was at 7:30, scheduled for an hour, we left at 9:30. More on this below.
My FCP was right, that was the most thorough pelvic exam I've ever had, including a re.ctal exam. (TMI? sorry!).
Recommendations for a laprascopy early this year to determine if there is something physical causing our IF.
Recommendations to switch from prometrium to HCG (I experienced horrible headaches reminiscent of my days on the pill the first month but wasn't completely convinced it wasn't all of the junk I was eating. Dr. S. was supportive of trying the prometrium one more month to be sure it was the cause. As my headaches have been worse this go around (one more day, thank God!) I will be switching to HCG next month. Hmmm, going from never even having blood drawn to giving myself shots in less than 7 months...
Lots of questions by Dr. S., agreement that there is most likely PCOS factoring in and (my own impression) some mild surprise that I wasn't showing obvious signs of endometriosis.

So, overall, not a ton of answers but I guess I really didn't expect any more than I already had without surgery. I'm just waiting to get a call from the surgery scheduler and I'll know more.

Emotional Stuff:

I have never in my life had such a good experience with a doctor (even considering bullet point #2 above). The Man (who works in a rehab/fitness center as a massage therapist) was extremely impressed as well with everything about Dr. S. and his whole staff. I am grateful for the time and care that was given to us.
Even though I wasn't really expecting more answers, there was a small piece of me that was hoping for a "oh, well, here's your problem! do this and you'll be pregnant in no time!" So, that was a small disappointment, but I know it was an unrealistic expectation.
Some major validation that the headaches I used to experience were totally related to the pill and just how horrible I felt, but had gotten used to while on the pill. So glad that there is another option for getting increased progesterone in my body.
Scared to death about having surgery. I've never had anything stronger than Novocain as far as an anesthetic goes, so being completely out is frightening, not to mention that it is 4 hours from home in a completely unfamiliar hospital. (My mom is a nurse and I am extremely comfortable in the hospital where she works, other hospitals freak me out though.)
A weird mix of fear and hope about what the surgery will show, coupled with the wish that I don't need it.

We are glad we went and are at peace with the way things will move forward. We are grateful for good health insurance as without it, none of this would be an option for us right now.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

I should probably have some deep reflection on 2011 but I really don't. I'm neither extremely happy to see 2011 go or hopeful about 2012. The year will be what it will be and we will travel the road before us. That sounds much more depressing than I feel about it, it's really just a neutral statement as far as emotions go.

I am looking forward to starting the year at the Love and Responsibility course and the opportunities for learning, prayer, and reflection it will provide. I figure it's as good a way to start a year as there is.

I've got a couple of posts scheduled for this week, and Thankful Thursday will be a thankful post from 2011.

Happy New Year friends, thank-you for sharing your lives with me.

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-29T06:30:00.000-05:00

This week, I am thankful for...

Getting to see Alison (and her baby bump) - and to finally meet Mr. Moonhead IRL on Sunday!!!!!!! I can't think of a better way to start my New Year!!!!!! (And I'll get to do it 2 years in a row - yay!)
That the secretary at work who proofreads all my stuff doesn't proofread my blog, I think she would frown upon my use of many exclamation points - ha!
For leftover Christmas cookies (hence the spastic snark in the previous item - I am eating minimal sugar these days and when I do eat it, well, let's just say you'd be better off with a toddler on caffeine :)).
Ahem.
For another week at one of the Theology of the Body Institute's Courses - from Jan. 1 - 6 I will be learning about Karol Wojtyla's (Blessed John Paul II before he was Pope) Love and Responsibility from...wait for it...Dr. Janet Smith! YEP, this Dr. Janet Smith!
For dinner tonight with Sara and her hubs!!!!! Maybe sometime before the Pittsburgh 5K (for me) and half marathon (for Sara) we'll actually run again - ugh!
Two More Feet who was my Prayer Buddy! There are no words to say how grateful I am for the prayers and kind words.

Ok, I think my exclamation point button is broken :( so I guess I'm done for this week. What are you thankful for today? I will be taking your thankful intentions to Adoration with me every day next week, so once again, make 'em good! (or not broken :) - ha!)

Reflections on P+5

2011-12-28T11:58:00.001-05:00

So often when I come here to share my thoughts, emotions, or reflections from the IF roller coaster it is when I am struggling to see the screen through the tears and know that The Man doesn’t need more of my “stuff” dumped onto his shoulders. As I was driving the other day, I couldn’t help but take note of how “normal” I was feeling, how not crazed and insane by sorrow and sadness and how maybe it would be nice to share some of that here.
I’m sure this feeling will be short lived, the BB will make its appearance in the next day or so and then a week after that CD1 will arrive. But for today, for these few days each cycle the hope creeps in and I start thinking about things like:
• I probably would need to test while I’m out of town next week, what a cool surprise for The Man that would be. Heck, how cool would it be to just actually get to POAS?!?! Unless it’s negative .
• Oh, and I could surprise my dad during our trip next Saturday with good news.
• And oh, would I blog about it right away or wait a while? Probably right away. But not until we told The Man’s parents since finding out about a grandchild on your DIL’s blog is probably not how they would like things to go.
• But what about all of my friends who still wait? How I hate the thought of hurting them and causing them more pain on this already painful enough journey.
• Maybe I just won’t tell anyone for a while, that way no one gets hurt? Right? Maybe not?
• Hmm, happier things, I’d finally get to turn the spare room into a nursery, I bet there are some great New Year’s sales.
• And wait! If this were “the” month, I’d never have to schedule surgery with Dr. S. (yes, yes, I know you want more details on that appointment, patience ;), I’m living in the land of that appointment won’t matter).
• OMG! What if I’m pregnant? I’m not ready to be a mother! What makes me think I can be a good mother! Oh no! I’ll be a horrible parent. *enter horrible feelings of guilt here*
• Why am I getting my hopes up? Why would anything have changed this month?
• But maybe, just maybe…

And so goes the car up the track of hope. Undoubtedly it will fall, but even as I type that, in these days of the ride up, it’s hard to believe that I am the same person who writes of anger and pain. It’s hard to believe that giving up is ever even a faint, distant option. It is these days, of blissful ignorance and hope that are gifts of grace from God; that are the reason we keep trying again, that remind me of what God is calling me toward.

In the days that come, these feelings will feel as far away as the anger and pain do now, but without these days there would be no bearing the others at all.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T08:00:00.000-05:00

From our family to yours...

Stationery card

View the entire collection of cards.

I finally! ordered our cards yesterday, so they will be a little late in getting out, as long as they arrive before Epiphany, right? :)

Merry Christmas dear friends!

Prayer Buddies Reveal

2011-12-24T09:34:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas (Eve!)

This was my first time participating in Prayer Buddies and I'm so glad I did. I had a hard, dark Advent and one of the lights was being able to pray for others and offer up the darkness and sadness I felt for them.

I was honored to get to pray for 2 Prayer Buddies:

Cathy from See Cathy Save

And RMB from In Her Footsteps.

Almost every day I prayed in the following ways for your intentions:

The St. Andrew Novena
The Rosary
Daily Mass Intentions
Offerring up my struggles
Adding you both to my Magnificat Prayer Group's Intentions (by first name only of course :))
While listening to Christian music on my way to and from work

I pray the prayers were felt and I will continue to keep you both in my prayers throughout the Christmas season and beyond.

It was so hard to not comment on both ladies blogs throughout Advent to let them know I was praying for them and their intentions, getting to tell them I was praying for them was a great gift! I'm looking forward to commenting in the future AND to meeting Cathy. We are both from the same home town, it will be so great to give a big hug and pass on my prayers in person!

Before I finish this, I also need to tell you a little story about Prayer Buddies:
This year, at the start of Lent The Man and I had been through our first 6 TTC cycles and though it was still relatively early, I just *knew* it was going to be a long road. A part of me wanted so badly to be a prayer buddy and put my intentions out there, but a part of me was scared. Scared mostly of this happening: that I would be paired with someone who had suffered IF for years and end up pregnant by the end of Lent. To know that I could cause pain as a result of asking for a prayer buddy paralyzed me and I debating for weeks as to what to do...so I reached out to a dear sister in Christ, Michelle, and asked her if we could be each other's prayer buddies and I shared my intentions with her: first that we be blessed with a pregnancy and a few emails later for the grace to handle whatever comes our way. She shared intentions with me and we were our own prayer buddies.

Both seasons have given me one thing in common - knowing that someone is praying for you specifically is one of the most healing, soul-soothing experiences I have been through. I feel it every time there is a post here that is responded to with prayers, I felt it during those days of Lent, and I felt it during this Advent.

JBTC, TCIE, and Mrs. Henderson - thank-you so much from the bottom of my heart for organizing this beautiful way to pray and share our stories.

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-22T00:30:00.000-05:00

This week, I am thankful for...

Good friends that you can count on - thanks again Christy!
Star Wars Marathons.
A great first visit with Dr. S. I know I need to write a more detailed post on this one...
Daily Mass.
Prayer buddies.
Today the days start getting longer again!
A rare December thunderstorm last evening.

What are you thankful for this week? Leave your thankful intentions in the comments or link up your post. I'm offerring them up as my Christmas Mass intention this weekend - so make 'em good :).

Quick Takes

2011-12-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday! #7 has an important question...

1. Thank-you all for your kind comments on my blogoversary post, I wish I could give you all the ornament! But, I can't, so....the winner is CM from Confessions of a Catholic Mutt! Congratulations!!!
Here's proof...

Please email with your mailing address and your WVU Snowflake Ornament will be on it's way.

2. Christmas Cards. Um yea, maybe I should do those.

3. Sara made me a gift that brought me to {good} tears. She is an awesome knitter and made me this:

Sara took the photo also!

It is a cowl made from the best yarn and is super warm, but the part that brought me to tears was two of the things written on the card: 1) it is called a "Good Luck Cowl" and 2) In Chinese culture red carries a largely positive connotation, being associated with courage, loyalty, honor, success, fortune, fertility, happiness, passion, and summer. It is this second part that brought the waterworks forth. Sara is my oldest, bestest friend and each of these words have a place in our friendship, but of course seeing that she picked a color that had to do with fertility is what touched me so deeply upon reading it. However, rereading the words I am struck by all of them, by how much they describe our friendship and Sara. I've sent her a text saying it and I'll say it again here, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to thank her in person because of the emotions wrapped up in the two words that mean so much "Thank-you." At least not without completely losing it.

4. When Ania asked what kind of dogs I have I realized I have been a horrible blogger when it comes to sharing about my girls. Here is a video of a typical occurrence in our house. Kali is the black dog, she is a Shar Pei/Dalmatian (Sharmatian) Mix and Mei Mei is the brown and white dog and is an English Sheep Dog/St. Bernard/Argentinian Dog (English St. Dogo - ha!) Mix. Kali is not typically friendly to any other dog or people other than The Man and me, in fact we weren't sure if getting Mei Mei was a good idea last year, but it has turned out way better than we ever could have imagined. With that said, we certainly never thought this would happen:

5. As stated above, Kali isn't always friendly to others, but she is super smart all the time and super loving once she gets to know you. Mei Mei is super loving all of the time and we are hoping she gets smarter as she gets older - ha! For now, she just follows Kali around and it's very cute. As long as she's not chewing something up (power cords, shoes, mattresses/box springs) I'm OK with the less-than-smartness.

6. I'm so relieved to hear that I'm not the only one enjoying shopping in my PJs and taking advantage of my Amazon Prime account. It's like a little mini Christmas at our house every day because there are packages arriving constantly. So fun! It is definitely lifting my spirit, well that and it's CD 9 or 10 so my hormones are finally back in order...for at least a couple of days, right? I'm trying to enjoy feeling somewhat normal while I can because I know it's short lived.

7. Monday is my first appointment with Dr. S. My FCP has been helpful in giving me some guidance as to what to expect and to write all of my questions down, but I'm asking you all for some suggestions. What questions should I ask? Anything I should not ask? Anything I should expect that you were not expecting? Thank-you in advance...

Be sure to visit Jen for more Quick Takes and have a great weekend!

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-15T00:30:00.000-05:00

This week, I am thankful for...

3 years of blogging and the friendships that have come from it. Be sure to go here and enter the giveaway before tonight - winner announced tomorrow!
Online shopping. I may not set foot in a store this year for any Christmas gifts other than my little brother's Lionel Train Ornament from Hallmark - 16th in the series.
Sweet pups who offer unconditional love and tail wags to prove it.
Unseasonably warm weather (though a snowy Christmas would be nice).
The Man. I know this one is on here every week, but lately I've not been exactly easy to live with and he's been amazing.

It's your turn! What are you thankful for this week? Link your post below or leave a comment, prayers will be said for each of your thankful intentions.

Overwhelmed at 3 Years

2011-12-12T20:00:00.000-05:00

Three years ago today I sat down and wrote in this place for the very first time, wondering if anyone would ever read the words I'd written or if I'd stick with it (expecting not to stick with it in fact).

Today, I am overwhelmed. My emotions are still raw and all over the place and I'm trying to reply to all of your kind comments on my recent posts (those of you that have your email enabled anyway :) ). I am also trying to process all of the love and prayers that you all have bestowed upon me not only this week, but over the entire three years. There have been times when I could feel the prayers and love, tangibly feel them. Yesterday was one of those times.

Whether you are one of my oldest IRL friends or someone I've never met in person, thank-you for making this place what it is. Thank-you for making this place home to me, where I am most comfortable being me.

As a thank-you to all of you, I have a small giveaway.

It is just a tiny way that I can say thank-you to you all...if I could give you all a gift, I would. All you have to do to enter is to leave a comment...any comment will be fine :)...I will pick turn comments off on Thursday evening and post the winner on Friday. Oh? You want to know what you can win? I know it's probably not something on your Christmas list, but it is something that I hope when the winner hangs it on their tree each year they remember it was given with total gratitude for prayers offered and kind words said...

Anger on Gaudete Sunday

2011-12-11T19:58:00.001-05:00

While so many of you have written beautiful reflections on Gaudete Sunday and rejoicing during Advent, I've only got anger. There will be nothing pretty about this post, consider yourself warned.

It wasn't until reading TCIE, Ania, and Polkadot's that I realized just how angry I've been. Oh yes, there is still plenty of sadness and fear and anxiety and all of that, but my glass-half-full-rose-colored-glasses-wearing-self has done a pretty good job of burying the anger.

And then today, the Joyful Sunday of Advent. And I feel like God is just laughing at me. For the first time in my life, when I consider my feelings, joy and happiness are the very last things that come to mind. And when I consider Christmas, I wonder how convincing I will have to be when coming down with the flu in two weeks? And when I try to do some shopping or decorating? Tears. Only tears.

And then there is the man at work, who could not contain his excitement at the BFP he and his wife got Wednesday morning last week. He was so excited he was telling the ladies in the cubes right next to me. And the anger is crushed by sadness. What if The Man never gets that day? What if he never gets to be so overcome with joy and excitement and hope that he can't contain the good news?

Prayer buddy, I've quit saying my St. Andrew Novena for my own intentions, they are all for you.
My rosary on the way to work? All for you.
My intentions at Mass? All for you.
I'm tired of praying for grace on this journey, I just want it to end and it's barely even started.

I want to scream and shout at people. I want to say to the man at work "don't you realize there are people around you who might not want to hear about this?"

And then the guilt settles in. How dare I feel this way? It's only been 19 cycles. It's only been 1 cycle on meds. Maybe he and his wife had to wait too? How dare I question the cross God has given me? How dare I twist the thorns into Jesus' head and pound the nails into His hands? How dare I not realize the good things in my life?

And then the sadness comes back, burying the anger all over again. Hiding it and leaving me wondering just how long this road will last? And how ever will I make it? Ladies, I am in awe. Absolute awe of you who have walked this road for even one day longer than I. And those who've walked it for years? You're faith and strength and witness that it can be done are the only thing that keeps me going.

To my prayer buddy, please pray that I make it through the holidays in one peace emotionally and without totally alienating my family and friends due to my piss-poor attitude.

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-08T00:30:00.000-05:00

Much like Thanksgiving week, this is a hard one to write this week; and much like Thanksgiving week, it's times like this are the reasons I started writing Thankful Thursday. It's hard to be completely bummed out when you are trying to think of things for which to be thankful. Go easy on my items this week, they may seem superficial, but I assure you, my gratitude is not:

Nacho cheese Doritos left over from last week's WVU Football game.
An unexpected Christmas bonus check that paid for the unexpected repairs on my Jeep - the amounts were almost identical.
My mom. We don't have the best relationship ever, but I realized yesterday that knowing that I can depend on her when I need her (like when I need a car to get to work) to help me out (give me her car for the day) is something positive. I need to go easier on her.
The Man. I'm pretty sure he's knocking of years in purgatory left and right by being married to me.
All of you. I'm pretty sure I'd be checked in to the local psychiatric ward without your kind comments and prayers. I will never be able to say Thank-you enough.
The look on Kali's face when she saw it had snowed. I will never understand what that pup loves so much about cold weather and snow, but watching her enjoy it almost makes me enjoy it.
A girl's weekend with Nicole starting tomorrow.

What are you thankful for this week? Write your own post and link below or leave a comment with what you are thankful for. I pray for each of your items specifically each week and it is such a gift to me to do so.

CD1

2011-12-06T17:53:00.000-05:00

It's like getting two "nos" every. single. month.

Every month, Peak Day shows up as scheduled, and then about 6-7 days later the Brown Bleeding begins...for "no, you're not pregnant" #1. Of course in those 6 - 7 days my hopes go sky high and then posts like this happen. And while on prometrium (month 1 on it), the BB got darker and worse than usual.

Then, despite the BB and how hard I fight it, hope creeps back in and then 7 days later CD1 shows up for "no, you're not pregnant" #2.

I seriously don't know how much longer I can do this. I do not know how some of you have done it for years and years. When it comes to fighting or flighting, I'm a flight kinda girl all the way. I spent many hours in college when I should have been studying {completely - head and all} under a blanket in a comfy chair in my living room hiding. If I'm sticking up for someone else, I'll fight to the death. When it comes to me, my first instinct is to run, as fast as I can.

My heart is breaking today. There will be no surprise Christmas news to share with our families. No extra stocking to add to the fireplace. So many many "nos."

I'm trying so hard to offer this up for you prayer buddy and focus on the goods, but I feel the walls closing in; I feel the darkness surrounding me. And I want to run fast and far. I want to go back to saying "no, I don't want children" because that didn't hurt nearly as badly as "I can't have them."

I really thought I'd done a good job at not hoping during the BB this month; at realizing it was an exercise in futility; at protecting myself from the inevitable crash that would follow the hope. Clearly I was wrong.

Once a month would be enough. Twice every month is breaking me.

Quick Takes Monday

2011-12-05T07:30:00.000-05:00

Happy ~~Friday~~ Monday!

1. Yes, I know I'm late. Blogger wasn't cooperating on Thursday night and I didn't get home until late Friday night (see Thursday's Thankful Thursday post as to why I can't post from work). Please forgive me for being late?

2. I have a request. If you have a Blogger blog would you please enable your mobile template, pretty please? Here's how:
First - from your "Overview" page, click on 'Template' on the left.
Second - click on the the little spirally thing under the 'Mobile' box/preview (if you are not enabled, it says 'disabled' on the box).
Third - select 'Yes. Show mobile template on mobile devices.'
The default setting will work just fine thank-you :).
Fourth - click 'Save' and close the window.
Fifth - make me a very happy blog-reader-who-reads-lots-of-blogs-on-my-phone :).

Thank-you in advance!

2. Any of you ladies live or know any one who lives in Louisiana or know a good CrMS practitioner in Louisiana (near Baton Rouge or New Orleans)? If you do, please go visit Two More Feet :). Again, thank-you in advance!

3. I think that ends the requests portion of this week's quick takes..onto more important things, like FOOTBALL :). Mountaineer Football to be specific! We had a close game on Thursday night, but we ended up with a win, and thanks to Cincinnati winning on Saturday, we are Big East Champs and are awaiting to hear (as I type, as you read, we'll already know) whether we are Orange or Sugar Bowl Bound!

4. Last week, I got to meet the lovely Sarah from Sarah's Journal thanks to Skype! It was so great talking with you Sarah, and I hope I was able to provide some help - you have been such a help to me!

5. Thanks to the fact that I saw P., a nurse practitioner, within Dr. S's practice already, I was able to get an appointment to see him earlier than January. In fact, it is in 2 weeks - exactly 2 weeks from today. As it is clear already that I won't be needing to cancel this appointment because I got pregnant, I'm deciding to embrace the opportunity to see the Dr. early and not freak out because I am seeing 'the doctor.' It's just one more bend in this road.

6. I am woefully behind on my blog commenting, but I am doing my best to catch up. Please know that I read most of your posts the day your write them in my reader and pray for any prayer requests you have immediately. I have just gotten way behind on commenting and I know how important comments are, so I will do better I promise!

7. Last, but not least, I was awarded the Liebster Award by two bloggers! First by M. at Joy Beyond the Cross and then by Emily at Signed, Sealed, Deliverd, I'm Yours. Thank-you so much ladies!!!

This award features up and coming bloggers (with less than 200 followers) and asks that it be passed on to 5 other deserving bloggers. This is so hard...especially since I've taken so long to post about my awards...but here are 5 awesome ladies to go visit :).

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-01T08:49:00.001-05:00

Today I am thankful for:
-The ability to post from my phone because internet explorer and blogger and work do not like one another.
-Daily Mass in the chapel on the same floor as my office today.
-Prayer buddies.
-Sunshine!
-Facebook messages.
-Football tonight! Let's goooooo Mountaineers!
-The St. Andrew novena and chaplet from JBTC.

Please forgive the lack of graphic and linky, I'll remember to have this scheduled from now on!

What are you thankful for this week? Please leave your list or link in the comments!

I Don't Know What I Expected

2011-11-30T00:11:00.000-05:00

I mean who really gets pregnant on their first month of prometrium?

Apparently I thought I would. (Even knowing I was out of town for about half of my fertile days).

Yep. Stupid. I know.

I think the worst part is this BB that I get every. single. month. for about 5 days before CD1 finally gets around to showing up.

So for the next 5 days I get to be reminded that CD1 is coming. No chance to even get my hopes up.

Except that I did get my hopes up.

Yep. Stupid. I know.

Why I Need Football

2011-11-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

Last Friday was spent with 60,000 of my closest friends. No, I wasn't out hitting the stores for the Black Friday sales. Instead, I spent the afternoon eating deep-fried turkey and chicken wings; homemade pepperoni rolls; buffalo chicken dip; and a whole table full of things I'm not eating any more as of yesterday. I drank beer and talked about things like offenses and defenses; records and rankings; coaches and players. I laughed and smiled and stressed out over important questions like: would our offensive line show and play well? And, oh my, what about our special teams? And, of course, could Coach Holgorsen be the first WVU Coach since 1903 to defeat Pitt in his first Backyard Brawl?

And then the game started. And it started ugly. And at one point all I could do, literally, was scream at the top of my lungs because of my frustration. I threw my hands up in the air in disgust, high-fived my new friends behind me in triumph, and covered my eyes every time we went out to receive a punt. I added cinnamon schnapps to my hot chocolate and wondered why we didn't bring more.

During half-time I sat with my arms crossed tightly and my lips sealed tight. I had nothing nice to say and decided it was best to keep my mouth shut. I always say that the stress of a WVU game is going to kill me and for a while Friday night as my knees felt week, my pulse pounded in my head, and my heart beat out of my chest I thought this was going to be the game that did it.

But our defense held the line. All. night. long. Stopping the Panthers each and every time, because it mattered most each. and. every. time. And as the game ended with the final score reading WVU 21 Pitt 20, and John Denver's 'Country Roads' started to play over the speakers at Mountaineer field, I linked arms with The Man and belted out Country Roads at the top of my lungs, complete with squeaks from raw vocal folds combined with tears, with those same 60,000 closest friends.

And it was in these moments that it hit me. That THIS, all of this, is why I need football in my life. I've always loved the game. My dad taught me the rules and the language from an early age. My best friends in high school were football players and other girls who loved the game as much as I did. And this is all important. But in the midst of the deepest heartache of our lives, football gives me the gift of 3 1/2 - 4 hours were I completely lose myself. I think of and worry about nothing related to me or The Man or the children we don't have. For these few hours it's not about me at all. Yes, I stress out like it is. Yes, if you were around me on game day you'd think I was actually playing IN the game. But when it comes down to it, whether the Mountaineers win or lose has nothing to do with me (but I will still continue to partake in all of my game day rituals, just in case).

This football season was hard for me to fall in love at first with because the start of it came the reminder of so many unrealized dreams and worries. But looking back, each weekend, for a few hours, I was given the gift of losing myself. I focused on the game and not the cute kids around us and felt like 'me.'

Football is my outlet. It is my release. It is where my brain finally shuts off and just lives 100% in the moment. Yes, it is much better for all involved when the Mountaineers win. But truly, win or lose, I love this game. I love this team. And now, I have a new love of and appreciation for the gift I am given every Saturday in the fall when I am freed from myself. It is in all of this that lies the answer to how I get through days like the ultrasound I described yesterday. And now, I understand it. I understand why I get upset and anxious when something threatens to interfere with my football watching.

Some people craft; others, like The Man, turn their music up real loud; others find this release in prayer; others find it in exercise; and still others in art. I find it in the game of football.

Ultrasound

2011-11-28T07:30:00.000-05:00

I've tried to find the words to describe what it was like to have the transvag.inal ultrasound done a couple of weeks ago. They've been in my head and heart, but it wasn't until talking with Alison the other night that I finally was able to give voice to them...

My local doctor's office is brand new and with it came brand new, state of the art ultrasound rooms. In the room was a couch for The Man to sit on and a big screen TV high on the wall in front of me so that I could see everything that the ultrasound technician was seeing on her screen without twisting my neck.

And the reaction that felt like a punch in the stomach was instantaneous. The immediate feeling of empty overwhelmed me almost to the point of tears. Fortunately for me my curious, question-asking self kicked in and I quickly starting asking the 'what's thats?' and moved on.

But that first instant stayed with me. The first instant where it was painfully obvious that this wasn't the 'first' ultrasound I'd been dreaming of. It was very clear that this was an empty uterus that was being looked at - there was no dark circle in the middle with a white 'bean' in the center of it. I've seen enough ultrasounds of friends' babies to know the difference in what I was seeing on the screen. I wasn't expecting to see a baby - it was early in my cycle, I knew I wasn't pregnant. I knew the purpose of this ultrasound was to check the structures and see if everything looked OK. And yet, this wasn't how the first ultrasound was supposed to go.

The Man wasn't supposed to be sitting on the comfy couch beside me watching the measurements of my ovaries. He was supposed to be beaming from ear to ear as he met our first son or daughter. I wasn't supposed to be asking 'what is that?' and expecting the answer to be 'your ovary.' The technician wasn't supposed to be asking 'what is this ultrasound for?,' but rather saying 'let's listen for the heartbeat.'

I knew going in what the purpose of the ultrasound was. I had no expectations of seeing anything other than an empty uterus and my ovaries. Thankfully the results came back 'normal' (how I'm starting to not like that word.)

And yet the image of that empty uterus is burned into my memory; seared into my soul.

The Last Backyard Brawl?

2011-11-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Donna left a comment that totally embarrassed and shamed me. NOT because of anything she said, but rather because it marked a glaring omission on my part this year.

Her comment: I imagine there's a story in "The Backyard Brawl"??

Yikes! How can I have done such a lousy job of talking about football, specifically WVU Football 'round here this year that one of you didn't know what THE Backyard Brawl is. I'm seriously thinking I need to be punished somehow!

So, in answer to Donna's question - yes, there is a story behind The Backyard Brawl. It started 104 years ago on a football field when the University of Pittsburgh (Pitt) Panthers and the West Virginia University (WVU) Mountaineers first played one another.

Morgantown (home of WVU) and Pittsburgh (home of Pitt) are separated by a mere 80 miles along Interstate 79. Essentially, we are neighbors sharing a backyard. And the game has the feel of a pick-up game in the backyard, with the stories of heroics and tragedy on the field to go along with it.

Most recent years this game is the last home game for the Mountaineers and Senior Night. And on any given night, a huge upset can happen to either team. If you beat Pitt, the rest of the season doesn't really matter - it makes everything better. Or, worse, like in 2007, the Mountaineers were ranked #2 in the country, had only 1 loss, and with a win were going to the National Championship game. It was the 100th Backyard Brawl. Pitt was 4-7. Everyone from the outside looking in said WVU was a 'sure' win. Those of us closer to the situation knew, it's Pitt...anything can happen. And it did. And I just can't talk about the rest of it any more.

In 2009 there was finally some redemption. But just hearing the numbers 13 and 9 in the same sentence still makes my stomach turn.

In 2010, we won again and did so in our Nike Pro Combat best.

And this year, with all of the conference changing, there is a very real possibility this could be the last installment of the Backyard Brawl.

As much as I hate Pitt, I hope the Athletic Director's at the schools find a way to keep the game going. I hate it when they beat us, but I can't imagine a football season without the Backyard Brawl circled on the calendar from the start of the season.

So today, I'm getting ready for the 104th edition of The Backyard Brawl. Everything I wear will be gold and blue; the tailgate food will be the best of the season (deep fried turkey, chicken wings, buffalo chicken dip, homemade pepperoni rolls, and more!); and our season that has been less-than-what-we-hoped-for can be totally redeemed with a win on the field tonight.

Let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Mountaineers!!!!!!

Thankful Thursday

2011-11-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not gonna lie. This is hard this week. Yes, I have MUCH to be thankful for. So. Much. But today, I am really feeling the hurt of what is I do not have. Last year it just never even entered my mind that I wouldn't at least be pregnant by this Thanksgiving. It is precisely days like today that I started this series of posts; why I decided that I needed to remind myself regularly of all that I have and all that I am blessed with. So, while my heart is heavy today, it is with deep gratitude for all that I have that I am writing.

This week, I am thankful for:

An opportunity to see Dr. S. in December. In less than one month.
A Thanksgiving Dinner with one part of my family.
The Backyard Brawl!
The Season of Advent - the opportunity to await a baby that has already come and saved us all from our crosses.
Breakfast with Kim yesterday.
Two sweet pups.
And so much more...

And I leave you with a quote I posted on Thanksgiving in 2009 that I think truly says it all about my intentions for these Thankful Thursdays:

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice.

~Meister Eckhart

What are you thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day?

(I was having linky troubles, so please just leave your links in the comments this week :). Thank-you!)

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

Scenes from NCYC 2011...

Eucharistic Procession into the Conference Center

Center Stage the First Evening

Bishop and Priests Venerating the Altar at the start of Mass Saturday night (please excuse the camera arm in the photo)

Bishop calling the Holy Spirit upon the sacrifice on the altar.

For more Wordless Wednesday click here.

Not Normal

2011-11-22T09:30:00.000-05:00

Exactly 2 months ago, I was told everything is normal by my regular Ob/Gyn Midwife (how I have a midwife without a pregnancy is another story). I was devastated and lifted back up all on the same day and started to feel like I was on the path to answers.

Six weeks ago, the first signs of hope in a while started to appear with the beginnings of an answer at my first NaPro appointment.

And yesterday, P., my Nurse Practitioner called and I got some more of the picture.

There is evidence of insulin resistance. (For those of you who like the numbers my insulin went from 5.2 before drinking the orange drink to 42.8 after drinking it.)

My progesterone is too low. The highest it ever reached was 12.8 (17.8 is the goal).

My pre-peak estrogen is good, really good actually, at 293 (250 is the goal).

My ultrasound was normal.

For anyone who might be going 'that's great, but what in the heck did you just say?': This means my body produces too much insulin and this extra insulin can cause cysts to form on my ovaries blocking ovulation and when there is ovulation, the cysts can block the corpus luteum from producing enough progesterone (doing it's job).

I have a mild case of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) with insulin resistance.

My thyroid is good and there is no evidence of diabetes.

There is a prescription for prometrium (to be taken P+3 through P+12 to increase my progesterone) and metformin (to keep my insulin lowers) waiting for me at the pharmacy.

Carbs and sugar are no longer my friend. *sniff* Chai from Starbucks I will miss you.

We are also awaiting the results of the se.men analysis. Please say a prayer that this goes well and the results are good. The Man is amazing and with every fiber of my being I want these results to come back better than normal. Let our problems be with me, not him.

I'm sort of stuck in the middle between being so grateful for some answers and wishing that everything were 'normal.' Between wanting to cheer with gratitude and wanting to burst into tears.

Oh and then there is the hope. The hope that maybe, just maybe, this journey is coming to an end. The hope that said immediately 'it's not P+3 yet this month you can start the prometrium right away.' The hope that was only tempered by the fears. The two sided fears of 'what if this doesn't work?' and 'what if this does work?' The hope that I will finally get to POAS and the fear of the of the result. The hope that the appointment with Dr. S for January will get to be cancelled. And the fear that it won't need to be cancelled. If I've ever needed God's Grace to handle this journey it is now.

Indianapolis

2011-11-21T15:15:00.001-05:00

What an amazing week! And the fact that I am saying that after spending 4 days with 23,000 teenagers is just a beautiful testament to God's Grace :).

Last Wednesday, I headed West on I-70 (is there a flatter road in this country? I'm thinking there is not.) towards Indianapolis to attend NCYC as our Diocesan Group Leader. And my first stop was at the home of the lovely Jenny from All Things. She and Daisy were so awesome to meet and hang out with for a couple of hours (the time flew by!). And Kali and Mei Mei say thank-you so much for the awesome treats! It was so great to talk in person with someone about our IF journey and not have to explain things - though Jenny had to do some explaining for me and she was so gracious. Daisy was so excited we were taking pictures, she decided to join us.

My next stop was my hotel. And dinner at the Colts Grille. I knew I should've packed my black and gold!

NCYC began on Thursday and was a truly amazing experience. Jamie at Roman Catholic Cop has a list of the top 15 things about NCYC and they are pretty right on target - I love that his #1 is time with his daughter. Emma is a sweet heart and it's so nice to see a teen who still enjoys hanging out with her dad. Jamie and I had plans to try to meet up at some point, but we didn't plan to run into each other on Thursday afternoon (even before the kids from WV arrived). Emma took this picture for us on Friday afternoon, thanks Emma!

Saturday evening was the culmination of the week with Mass. There are no words to describe what it's like to experience Mass with 25,000 other people. Truly amazing. Truly awesome. Truly hope-giving.

On Sunday, I got to sleep in a little and then headed towards home. BUT, I only had to go about 15 minutes before my first stop at Sarah from Fumbling Towards Grace's home. She was a lovely host and made yummy french toast with bacon and homemade applesauce. I've been reading Sarah's blog since I started blogging (I think I might have been reading her blog before I started my own) and was so excited to meet her and sweet Maggie (her husband too, of course!). We sat down to talk after brunch and the time flew by - it was like we've been friends forever.

I know my purpose for traveling west was for NCYC, and I loved every minute of the conference (though I am also quite sure that youth ministry is not for me, and I'm totally OK with that!), but where God was most present to me (other than in the sacraments of course!) was in my time with these three people. There is something about meeting someone face to face for the first time and there being zero awkwardness or need for small talk that is truly heart warming. It was in these conversations, these laughs, these hugs that the Body of Christ was truly evident to me.

Thank-you to both Jenny and Sarah for opening their homes to this girl from WV; for the laughter and the shared stories. Thank-you to Jamie for laughing with me at my silliness and sharing your sweet Emma with me. NCYC was amazing, but my trip to Indianapolis in 2011 will always be remembered for the times that we spent together.

Does the Fairy Tale Even Exist?

2011-11-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

I saw this question posed on twitter the other night. My initial reaction was 'yep, I live it and I should blog about it.' But then, I thought, oh that would 'jinx' us wouldn't it? And that would come across as bragging wouldn't it? And, even worse, that might come across like we don't have any problems (or that I am in denial of those that exist).

And then I thought this:

Does the fairy tale exist? Yes.

My fairy tale includes a time when I almost threw it away before we were engaged. It includes spending 2 and 1/2 years of almost 14 living in separate towns - all of which after we were engaged, 6 months of which were after we were married. It includes a trial that had my mom wanting me to consider postponing our wedding and my dad saying 'this can't happen again.' It includes 2 surgeries in 2 years to fix the wrists that are so important to The Man's work. It includes filing for bankruptcy. And it includes infertility. And it includes other things.

Wait! You mean this 'stuff' wasn't in the fairy tales you watched or read as a child? It wasn't in the ones I watched either. And it wasn't what I pictured when I stayed after work one day to have wings with the cute boy who took the trash out for me the night before almost 14 years ago.

But it's still my fairy tale.

It's my fairy tale because through it all, The Man has been by my side. Together, we've faced 'sickness and health,' 'richer and poorer', and 'good times and bad,' and the fact that when presented with the question of whether or not the fairy tale existed, my first instinct, deep in the core of my being was 'YES!'

My fairy tale may have all of those 'bad' things above, but those 'bad' things are real. And they are what makes up the story of the two people who still love and laugh every day. They are what make up the fairy tale of our life. It might not be cartoon-movie worthy, but it is our life. And for every sickness there is health; for every poorer there is a richer; and for every bad time there are a hundred good times.

So, as I consider the question 'does the fairy tale even exist?' I say 'YES!' with a confidence that only comes from living through the bads. I say 'YES!' knowing there will be more bad in our future. And I say 'YES!' with the anticipation of what lies ahead.

Our fairy tale exists because we choose for it to exist. We choose love and laughter. We choose 'happily ever after' in the face of adversity.

I needed this reminder. I needed to remember that The Man and I know how to get through tough times. That if our infertility is truly an inability to have children we will get through it. That, what we have said from the very beginning of 'us' is true - that as long as we have each other we have everything we truly need. And that is why I say the fairy tale does exist; that is why my answer is yes.

Thankful Thursday

2011-11-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

This week, I am thankful for:

Safe travels to Indianapolis for the National Catholic Youth Conference.
An awesome travel snack package put together for me by The Man. It had everything {this} girl could want: Vitamin Waters; Twizzlers; Almonds; Banana Chips; Air Heads (don't judge :)); Apples; Oranges; and Sweet Potato Chips! It was all packaged in an awesome hand made basket he bought for me. I SO appreciated not having to stop for fast food on the way.
Blogger meet-ups galore! Yesterday I met the beautiful and kind Jenny (and Daisy!) from All Things; sometime in the next couple of days I'll get to meet Jamie from Roman Catholic Cop; and on Sunday I get to meet Sarah (and 'Atticus,' Maggie, and Sirius!) from Fumbling Towards Grace! I will post pictures (from my new camera and using my new SD card reader) early next week. I've learned my lesson and will not procrastinate this part!
A job that gives me lots of opportunities to travel.
The opportunity to learn and grow from all of the adults and teens that will be at NCYC this week.

What are you thankful for this week? I will be taking time during Adoration on Friday to say special prayers of thanks for all of the things you are thankful for this week, so be sure to link your post or leave your gratitudes in the comments.

My Camera

2011-11-14T23:07:00.000-05:00

Well, it turns out that the 'robber' (can you really call the person that since I conveniently left my doors unlocked for him/her?) did get something valuable out of my car...

My camera...

With the memory card in it...

That had the pictures of my meet-up with Joy (I'm SO sorry Joy!); those of our goddaughter's baptism; and the ones from my cousin's wedding last weekend.

The camera can be replaced, in fact, I'm picking up a new one tomorrow (thank-you to The Man for not being too upset and understanding that I will beat myself up more over this than anyone else could).

It just makes me ill. I'm still glad that my rosary wasn't taken, but I'm so mad at myself for leaving my car unlocked (we don't have a garage or anything like that). I know better.

When do we get a break? Even if it's only from my own stupidity.

Thankful Thursday

2011-11-10T00:01:00.000-05:00

This week, I am thankful for:

Warm, fall weather. It's coming to an end today, but it's been awesome while it lasted.
The end of the blood draws for my hormone panel.
Amazon Prime. A new SD Card reader should be here tomorrow. (I realized, even if I ordered the one with WiFi, it didn't help me with getting the pictures on my current card onto my computer. Yes, I realize if I had not thrown away the handy cord that came with my camera I would not be having this problem. Details.)
That the person who got into my (unlocked) car the other night took only change and my phone charger - not the rosary that is made from the rose petals from my Pap's funeral or the single decade chaplet my mom recently brought me from the Vatican.
For the opportunity to spend time with family I rarely see this coming weekend.

Please link your Thankful Thursday post up below. It is one of the best parts of my week to pray with gratitude for the gifts in your lives.

My Friend, I Care

2011-11-08T07:00:00.000-05:00

Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know.

Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed.

That I am chosen for the task, apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,

Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,

Don't tell me how to grieve, don't tell me when to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,

But I need you and your love...Unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,

Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say, "My friend, I care."

~Author Unknown

Winners and Results

2011-11-07T06:00:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to...

Joy, Ania, and Tooje!!!!!

You are the winners of the 25 Free Christmas Cards! Email me at RebeccaWVU02 at gmail dot com and I will send you the details!

And the results of the Big Idea Poll are:

More details to come...

I love starting the week off with good news :).

Quick Takes

2011-11-04T08:56:00.000-04:00

1. Wow. Somehow it's been a busy week around here. First, thank-you all so much for your prayers for Cody.

2. Don't forget today is the last day (both end at 9:00pm EDT) to enter the contest to win free Christmas cards AND to vote in the polls on my sidebar as to your choices for the Big Idea (I really need to come up with a 'cool' name for this).

3. I'm missing my 2nd home football game in 2 years tomorrow. (After an 8-year streak of not missing any :( ). Once again, this one is for a wedding. This time it's my cousin. The last of the 'adult' cousins to get married on my mom's side. The next wave of family weddings won't be for at least 10 years or so. That makes me kinda sad.

4. Speaking of football, it's official, WVU is FINALLY in the Big XII. It only took them long enough! I'm just glad we are off the sinking ship that is the Big East.

5. Tomorrow should be my last blood draw for my hormone panel that is being done this cycle. I was actually totally calm, cool, and collected about this whole thing until driving home from the lab last night. It's starting to sink in that we may just be on the path to some answers, and the fears are creeping up again. As CD1 is approaching, I'm sure a whole post will follow.

6. I bought The Man sock monkey slippers (after seeing Mary's post about hers). He loved them. If you follow me on Twitter, you've already seen that he didn't even wait to take of his shirt, tie, and dress pants before putting them on :).

7. I have so many pictures to upload, including ones of Joy and me, of the baptism last weekend, and more. Sadly, I have misplaced the usb card reader to get the pictures from the memory card onto my computer. I'm giving it until Sunday to reappear and then I'll be buying a new one.

Have a great weekend! Don't forget to visit Jen for more Quick Takes!

Important Prayer Request

2011-11-03T09:01:00.000-04:00

If you are looking for today's Thankful Thursday, please go here. I have never posted twice in one day before, it's just not 'for me.' But this can't wait until tomorrow...

I received a message from my friend, Cody, this morning. He has been in Philadelphia discerning entering the Order of St. Augustine. Last night, he learned his application would not be accepted.

Cody is one of the kindest, gentlest, unselfish people I have had the privelage of meeting. The look of sorrow in his eyes when I told him of our struggle with IF was tangible proof of what an awesome servant of God's people that he is. My heart is breaking for Cody. He has asked for prayers, and he has asked for the prayers of my friends. Well, friends, prayer warriors, will you please pray? Will you please cover Cody in the prayers that you have covered me with so many many times? If they give him even 1/10th of the peace they have given me, his heart will calm and his anxiety will decrease.

Specifically, please pray for:
~a peaceful, grace-filled heart
~clarity in decision making that remains open to God's will
~that fears of the now unknown future will remain quiet
~for strength

Dear friends, I thank-you in advance for your prayers. So many of you (and I) have walked a path in which we feel called to something (motherhood for most of us, the priesthood for Cody), but instead of reaching that something we are gifted with a cross. While our reasons for our hurts are different, we share the knowledge of the weight of the cross of uncertainty; of wondering why; of the unknown

I will close with Cody's words:
Ultimately, I have faith that all will be well. I have faith that since I undertook this risk in obedience to God's will for me, that God's will has been done and will continue to be done because I have done what He has asked of me. I only hope that one day it might make more sense.
I ask you to pray for me, and to ask your friends to pray for me as well. I am going to be in need of them.

Thankful Thursday

2011-11-03T00:00:00.000-04:00

This week, I am thankful for:

A giveaway for you (click here for details).
A big idea! (Click here for details. Vote in sidebar :)).
A growing knowledge of and appreciation for the Saints. I don't even know where to begin, except to say, why did no one explain all of this to me a long time ago?
Lauren's Marriage Monday posts. I prayed about what I should work on this week, and making dinner every night has proven to be a wonderful blessing for us. Thanks Lauren!
For {so far} problem-less and {mostly} painless blood draws for my hormone panel this cycle (only about 2 more blood draws to go).

I pray with gratitude over your Thankful Thursday posts every week. Please link your post up below and have a great day!

Stylish? Me?

2011-11-02T12:56:00.000-04:00

Mary at Hope Echoes has gifted me with this fancy award. I had to giggle a little at the title because Stylish I am not.

The 'rules' say that I am to tell 7 things about myself (don't y'all know everything already?)...

1) I love mobster movies. The Departed. Goodfellas. The Usual Suspects. The Godfather series. American Gangster. etc. etc.

2) Ice cream is it's own food group in my world.

3) I am messy. Seriously messy. Especially in my ~~closet~~ dressing room. (Yes, I've taken an entire room in our house and turned into a big mess of clothing. Something tells me I should be embarrassed by this fact. I don't. I just feel free to finally embrace my inner Pigpen.)

4) The thought of the packing that would be required if we were to move again makes me want to curl into a ball and rock back and forth while humming with my fingers in my ears. Seriously.

5) I do believe it is almost time to put the heated mattress pad back on our bed. What? You don't have a heated mattress pad? Get one. You can thank me later.

6) I have 2 polls on my side bar, don't forget to vote (for details, go here)!

7) I'm having a contest this week. You could win free Christmas Photo Cards. Go here.

The 'rules' also say that I am supposed to pass this award on to 5 others, however I think every blogger I know is waaaaay more stylish than me, so I'm going to ask you to leave a comment with one 'stylish' tip that works for you in the comments and then, to pay it forward, please go visit someone else who commented that you may not know well.

Thanks again Mary!

Free Christmas Cards from Shutterfly - For You and Me!

2011-11-01T06:00:00.000-04:00

I am normally not one to be thinking about Christmas before Thanksgiving (I'd like to tell you it's because I'm all sentimental about Thanksgiving, but the truth is I'm just not that organized) but when I received the email with the opportunity to share Shutterfly's Christmas cards with some of you (and to receive 50 free cards again this year) I figured I'd go ahead and think about Christmas early this year. (Yikes, how's that for a run-on sentence?)

Ahem.

I love me some technology and I love uploading my photos from my couch and having my cards arrive in the mail and Shuttefly allows just that. I also love ordering Photo Gifts, like this mug I got for The Man for Christmas last year:

I also love Photo Books. Switching from film to digital was of no help to me at first. Instead of having tons of photos laying around everywhere, I just had tons of photos on my computer that I never did anything with. Then, a couple of years ago, I started creating one photo book for each year with my favorites from the year. It's a great way to keep our memories in an organized way and not have to stress about all of the photos I take without having a nice way to display them. Photo books are my second favorite way to share photos, second only to a digital picture frame (that I don't yet have. Hint. Hint. for The Man ;)).

I'm looking forward to creating our Christmas card this year, but I'm even more so looking forward to giving away 25 free cards to THREE of you!!!!

Yes, that's right, this year I not only get free cards, but I get to give free cards! I can't tell you how excited I am about that (really!).

And I'm making it super easy to enter. All you have to do is leave a comment on this post sharing one Christmas memory or tradition that you remember from growing up or that you love to do each year still.

The contest will end at 9:00pm (EST) on Sunday, November 6, 2011. I will post the winners on Monday, November 7.

(Disclaimer: I am receiving 50 free cards for doing this post. The 25 free cards that 3 different people will win are a free gift from Shutterfly as well.)

Big Idea

2011-10-31T06:30:00.000-04:00

So, here it is, my BIG idea:

A blogger meet-up done 'retreat' style sometime in the spring.

A chance to meet IRL the friends we've made thanks to this bloggy world.

A chance to hug all of those who have prayed for us, and those we have prayed for.

A chance to pray together and share tea (or coffee or wine) and stories around a big table.

If you're at all interested in something like this, please VOTE in BOTH of the polls to the left (in my sidebar). One asks for a location preference (general area - I tried to pick near large airports/cities for convenience) and the other for date preference.

Catholic or not. Fertile or not-so-much. If you've read this post, and are a woman (sorry guys!), consider yourself invited.

(Nursing babies are of course invited. :))

Once the polls have closed, I will start to work on more details.

Polls will stay up until Friday at 9:00pm EDT and are anonymous.

Our IF Timeline

2011-10-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

A lot of the IF blogs I read have a timeline. Many of them have been helpful to me in learning terminology and understanding what our process may look like. This page is here in hopes that it may help someone else out someday, and as a way for me to keep track of it all.

How did we get here? (I've put the most recent steps at the top, so if you want to read from the very beginning go to the bottom of the post and work your way up.)

February Cycle - No headaches! No brown bleeding between peak day and end of cycle. 2wwing right now.

February 15, 2012 - Post-op follow up: Dr. S confirms Stage 2 Endo all removed, 2 partially blocked tubes cleared. A plan for avoiding headaches while on prometrium established: take vag.inally for one cycle, if no headaches, continue, if headaches, consider switch to HCG. TTC for 6 - 9 months. If no BFP, schedule follow-up to consider ovulation support with Dr. D.; if no BFP in 12 - 18 months, schedule repeat Advanced HSG to recheck tubes; pray.

January 17, 2012 - Selective HSG and laprascopy with Dr. S. revealed Stage 2 Endo and 2 partially blocked tubes. Dr. S. was able to remove all of the endo and clear the tubes. Follow-up scheduled for Feb. 15. Dr. S. isn't too worried about low-average morphology from The Man, says if we want, try Proxeed (though he recommends reading ingredients and buying cheaper substitute at local vitamin store).

December 19, 2011 - First appointment with Dr. S. (Details here.) Summary: Recommendation for a laprascopy with advanced HSG. Plan to switch from prometrium to HCG after one more cycle due to suspected hormone-induced migraines. (Makes sense because headaches mimicked headaches from days on the pill almost exactly.) Se.men analysis shows great count, motility, and grade. Low average morphology. The Man does "I'm above average dance."

November 21, 2011 - A diagnosis and plan! Mild case of PCOS with insulin resistance and low progesterone. Prescribed prometrium for P+3 to P+12 and metformin to lower insulin levels.

October 11, 2011 - First NaPro appointment. Finally! The beginnings of an answer, my LH was 2x as high as my FSH from one of my 'normal' test results, and some hope. I learned that LH should never be higher than FSH and that it could be a mild case of PCOS (3x as high is PCOS typically). Start a hormone panel during this cycle. Decide that we're giving it one more cycle before we do the se.men analysis, again hoping we don't need it.

September 27, 2011 - Read through all of the Creighton info and prepare to start charting. Ask The Man if he could please refrain from getting a sinus infection next month during my most fertile days. He says he'll do his best, and I feel relieved we have still found a way to laugh at this situation. Even though it is at The Man's expense.

September 22, 2011 - Call the Nurse Practitioner that E (our FCP) suggested last night. Get an appointment in 3 weeks!

September 21, 2011 - Again, everything is normal. Midwife suggests it's time for se.ment analysis. And gives us the paperwork with number of local Reproductive Center and the directions for how to collect the sample. Cry in the parking lot for 15 minutes. Feel like I'm losing it. Get a phone call (read the details here). Recover {some} of my sanity.

August 31, 2011 - Have blood drawn (only 3 vials this time).

Late August 2011 - Email CrMS FCP to start charting.

August 15, 2011 - Follow-up dr. appointment. Bloodwork was all normal. Like right down the middle normal. Now what? Decide on post-peak blood work and leave with instructions to have blood drawn on P+5.

Early August 2011 - Call NaPro doctor (Dr. S. at Camp Hill - thanks Sarah!) and a Creighton practitioner to start learning Creighton and get on Dr. S's waiting list for a December/January appointment. Say a huge prayer that I don't need it, but don't feel much hope.

July 2011 - First Doctor's Appointment Scheduled with my regular ob/gyn/midwife to start 'figuring it all out' 4 vials of blood drawn (first time I've ever had blood drawn in my life) - it's cycle day 10, pre-peak.

September 2010 - July 2011 TTC. Never even come close to needing to POAS. Note continued super-low temps; brown spotting/bleeding; short menses (2 - 3 days); and shortish luteal phase (9-11 days). 'Out' us as an IF couple.

September 2010 - Break first NFP 'rule' - use 2 days in a row pre-ovulation instead of every other. ~~Don't worry too much because early in cycle~~ Totally freak out, but then when 'fertile' days arrive decide we really are ready to start TTC.

April 2010 - September 2010 - Continue charting, make mental note of extremely low temperatures (like off the bottom of the chart low) and brown spotting/bleeding that occurs before and after menses. Wonder if it will cause 'problems' but don't stress too much.

April 2010 - First time we write an 'I' on our charts! (Yep, that is almost 4 full months of abstinence).

February 2010 - First NFP class. Start Charting. Experience a Doubtful Peak and a 41 day cycle and think 'what in the heck is going on?' Realize what it is when we learn it in class #2.

January 2010 - Email Alison and Mike; figure out a way to learn NFP via Skype.

Mid-December 2009 - Decide no more BCPs for us at the end of this pack (I've read enough to know it's better to stop at the end of a pack than mid cycle). No idea how we will learn NFP, but committed to abstinence until we do.

Fall/Winter 2009 - Find better research and read a blog written by Alison that sells me on NFP and start to send more info via email to The Man.

Summer 2009 - start to read about this 'thing' called NFP. Late summer, try to explain it to The Man and do such a great job that he declares 'well, we'll just never have sex again.' Return to my research.

Spring 2009 - start to really think something is wrong with me and start researching symptoms, realize all things seem to be related to BCPs. Start to research other options for birth control - read about an IUD and literally get nauseous at the thought. Go to gyno appointment and stick with BCPs, not really comfortable but feel like there is no other 'reliable' choice.

Spring 2008 - Start to rediscover our Catholic Faith.

June 2004 - We Do! (get married)

Fall 2003 - Experiencing such severe headaches I am prescribed Imitrex. No talk of change in BCPs.

Fall 2002 - Go to doctor because of horrible headaches I'm getting every month. Gyno says it's due to high-dose BCPs, switches me to lower dose and has me take 12 weeks of 'active' pills at a time, followed by one week of placebo. Less headaches with less severity + only 4 periods a year. Then - Works for me. (Now - YIKES!)

February 2002 - Get Engaged.

1998 - Meet The Man.

1997 (18 years old) - first pap smear/gynecological exam; leave with first pack of BCPs for 'health reasons' - looking back, I'm not really sure what those reasons might have been.

400

2011-10-28T06:30:00.000-04:00

On December 12, 2008, just a few months after The Man and I moved back to Morgantown, I started this blog. It's hard to believe that it will be 3 years in just a couple of months, but what is harder to believe is that this is my 400th posting. The 400th time I have shared a piece of my life out here in cyberspace.

I'm honestly surprised it lasted for 4 posts, let alone 400.

In this 400th post I really just want to say Thank-you. If you are here for the first time or the 400th; if you comment often or never at all; if you know me in IRL or only in this space; if you've said a prayer or shook your head at my silliness; if you are here. Thank-you. It is humbling to think that anyone reads the words I write and more humbling to think that prayers are said for me. Yet I know they are. I feel them. I see them working in my life. And I am grateful.

For whatever part you've played in this space being the place I feel most comfortable being the real me, thank-you. From the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul, thank-you.

Thankful Thursday

2011-10-27T00:30:00.000-04:00

This week I am thankful for:

~~WVU is {hopefully} moving to the Big XII conference! It makes no sense geographically, but I am glad we are {apparantly} getting off the sinking ship that is the Big East.~~ Being a Mountaineer! (That will never change :).)
A 5, FIVE, F-I-V-E, 5 Day weekend. It starts tomorrow :).
Our Goddaughter - she will be baptized this weekend.
The Man. He gets up every morning when the alarm goes off and turns the heat on in the bathroom so that when I finally roll out of bed the bathroom will be warm.

Be sure to link your Thankful Thursday post below :). *Update: Linky is fixed :). Thanks Michelle!*

Facebook, Gummy Bears, and I Win

2011-10-24T22:30:00.000-04:00

I have been considering deleting my Facebook account for a while now. If I'm honest with myself, the only real reason I still have it is because I want to someday take my turn in announcing a pregnancy and getting all of the love that will follow. Selfish? Yep. Truth? Yep. But today, I was torn between actually speaking my mind, unfriending a 'friend,' and deleting my whole account. It was worse than any pregnancy announcement could ever be. It was this:

'If it takes that much effort to have kids, maybe you weren't intended to have children...100 years ago the world wasn't as overpopulated...there weren't medicines and drugs and clinics...just sayin''

The sane, logical part of my brain said 'this has nothing to do with you. This is just a person saying something stupid that has no bearing on your life.'

The infertile, heart broken part of my brain said 'this has everything to do with you. This is one of the most hurtful things I have ever read.'

And then, when I wanted to yell and start a big ol' Facebook fight, I just unfriended this person. I did tweet about it, and a good friend put it all in perspective with two simple words: 'F. him.' I love her.

When I got home, I had a package from Alison. Suspecting that it was the s.emen analysis kit she was sending us, I openend the box and found I was partially right. There was a bag marked that it was for The Man from her hubby. And then, there were chocolate covered gummy bears, peeps, a journal, and a card for me - just what I needed to lift my spirits after my Facebook fun. As I said to The Man, 'I win!'

Thankful Thursday

2011-10-20T00:30:00.000-04:00

This week I am thankful for (be sure to read to the last one):

An unexpected tour of my town yesterday afternoon (my undiagnosed ADD kicked in big time and I literally drove around town twice before I got everything done I needed to), the fall colors are beautiful.
My Dad. Tuesday was his 61st birthday.
Survivor. (Don't judge :).)
Blogger meet-ups. It was great to meet Joy last week (I promise I have a picture, I just need to find the time to download and then upload it.) She and her kiddos are awesome! To have just 1/10th of the energy her daughter has would be amazing :).
Big ideas. If you are interested in a Blogger Meet-Up that would involve some planning and a little bit of travel, please send me an email to RebeccaWVU02 at gmail dot com. I'm thinking early Spring 2012.
Linkys! There is one here now :). If you write your own Thankful Thursday post, be sure to link to it below. I love the privilege of giving thanks for the things that you are thankful for each week.

Thankful Thursday

2011-10-13T18:10:00.001-04:00

This week, I am thankful for:

Theology of the Body.
Blessed John Paul II.
Christopher West.
The Holy Spirit.
A blogger meet-up with Joy tomorrow.
Adoration.
The Man.
Life.

What are you thankful for this week? Please share your reasons for gratitude or a link to your Thankful Thursday post in the comments.

Hope on CD3

2011-10-11T22:39:00.002-04:00

Don't you love it when the Holy Spirit works away at your life in the background when you are 'busy' living?

It's been one of those week's where I see the Holy Spirit at work in a very real way and I am ever grateful.

I am 2 1/2 days into the Theology of the Body Institute with Christopher West - YES! The IN REAL LIFE Christopher West. And the Holy Spirit has been ALL over this retreat and class, but I have yet to find the words to truly describe that, I'm not sure I ever will. But I do have some very real experiences related to our IF that have happened this week.

First, a couple of weeks ago, when I found out I was going to be 1) coming to a retreat center outside of Philadelphia/Harrisburg and 2) was going to be scheduling an appointment to see P, a NaPro nurse practitioner who works with Dr. S. I had this wonderful idea that it would be great to schedule the appointment WHILE I was at the retreat. How great would only having to make one 4 hour trip be instead of 2?!?

So, I called and scheduled my appointment for Thursday (you know, the appointment that I'm not supposed to be able to have until I've got at least 2 months of Creighton charts? Well, P agreed to see me with only about 2 weeks due to my 2 years of STM charts :)). Then, I started thinking I really don't want to miss any sessions, so I sent an email asking when would be a good time to leave the retreat center for a couple of hours. I found out Monday and Tuesday afternoons have large blocks of time that are 'free' time. I called the doctor's office back and asked if there was any way P. could see me on Monday or Tuesday afternoon. (In my head, I said a quick prayer for 1:00 on Tuesday.) The nurse came back on the phone and asked 'How does 1:00 Tuesday work?' Thank-you Holy Spirit.

Then, yesterday I went to confession. For the first time in a really long time. So long I was totally nervous and completely freaked when it was face to face. (Insert laugh from God right about here.) During my confession the Priest tells me about his daughter (he was widowed and then entered the seminary) who is a NaPro FCP and has an 18 month old after 7 years of IF. He asks about NFP, we talk about Creighton and he tells me (among other things) to offer up my suffering for babies who are aborted (HELLO TCIE!) and I leave confession feeling so much lighter and hopeful than I have in a long time. Again, thank-you Holy Spirit.

Today, I have my appointment. Armed with my charts and 'normal' results from blood work. P. takes one look and says, 'well, everything is not normal I see a concern here'. She proceeds to explain that my LH is 2x higher than my FSH and LH should never be higher than FSH (I might have those backwards and my notes are way far away at the moment - moral: something is higher than it should be :)). And that if it were 3x higher it would mean PCOS, and 2x higher could mean a mild case. AND she says that my STM charts were very helpful to her! Yep. Finally the beginnings of an answer - thank-you Holy Spirit!

It gets better though, as she starts to explain the hormone panel that I've read so much about from all of your blogs she says it has to start on CD3. Guess what today is? Yep! CD3. So instead of more waiting, I was able to get my first blood draw done right then and there! At this point, I got chills. I could actually feel the Holy Spirit telling me I was doing the right thing. I was in the right place at the right time. Thank-you Holy Spirit!

So today, on CD 3, there is hope. Yesterday, on CD 2 it was the 1 year anniversary of our first disappointment. Our first cycle TTC and our first 'no.' Today, there is renewed hope. There is the promise from the Holy Spirit that, regardless of what happens, His grace will continue to flow.

Will you please rejoice with me and give thanks for this hope? For the Holy Spirit hanging in with me even when I am doubting?

Quick Links

2011-10-07T09:49:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday! This week I've got 7 Quick Links for you:

1. Sarah shared about her experiences of 'God's Grace in 11 Months of Marriage.' I, like many others, could relate to so much of what she shared. And, as I listened to a voice mail from a young woman who was facing divorce after only 8 months of marriage, I could only think 'There, but for the grace of God go I.' Please visit Sarah and read what she has to say; and please pray for A.

2. Lenae spread her wings and reached out to God, giving us all a beautiful reminder to ask for what it is we need and to have faith. Please visit Lenae to share your encouragement and to be treated to the beauty of her words.

3. Jelly Belly has her back against the wall and is bravely staring down her fears. The fear she describes is so familiar to so many of us. Please visit JB to lift her up in prayer as she steps out in faith.

4. Experimental Theology is a new blog to me, in fact, the post about the prison servant was the first I'd ever read over there. Please visit Richard Beck and read about living out Christ's command to love one another. And take your tissues.
5. Cecily touched on one of my #1 fears of having a child when she shared about post partum depression. Please visit to read Cecily's story and be introduced to a great new resource for women.

6. Tooje realized the power that parents are given and reflects on it in such a true, beautiful way. Please visit to be encouraged about what you can do as a parent.

7. The Mom shared what goes on in her 7 year old's heart and head and gave us all a reason to say 'well, that makes sense!' Please visit to get a reminder of what following the Ten Commandments is really all about.

And of course, visit Jen for more Quick Takes and have a great weekend!

Thankful Thursday

2011-10-06T08:35:00.000-04:00

This week, I am thankful for...

Fall. The trees are starting to turn colors and the best benefit of all the rain we had recently will be the bright, long lasting colors we will see over the next couple of weeks.
Health insurance.
Seeing people I had not seen in quite a while last night; you know those kind of people that you don't see forever and greet you with a great big hug?
A new baby! Congratulations C, E, and big brother N - can't wait to meet E on Sunday!
All of you. Seriously, I know I say it a lot, but there are days when I'm pretty sure the only things that keeps me put together are your words.
For Steve Jobs. Rest in Peace.

What are you thankful for this week? The privelage of giving thanks for the 'thankful things' in your life is something I look forward to on Thursdays. Please share your reasons for gratitude in the comments or write your own post and let us know to stop by in the comments.

Weather Wednesday

2011-10-05T11:10:00.000-04:00

Now that's what I like to see...

And Saturday?!?! WVU hosts UConn at Noon. Thank-you God for sunny, dry weather for outdoor activities!!!

Saying Thank-you

2011-10-04T08:30:00.000-04:00

Almost 4 years ago, a friend, Shawna (who happens to be a pastor's wife), decided that she wanted to get a group of women together for a bible study (briefly mentioned here). I, having no children and a husband living 2 1/2 hours away, was loving the idea of having company every week and offered to host so long as we shared the cooking duties. A few weeks later, we, a Pentecostal Pastor's Wife, a Presbyterian, a lukewarm Catholic (me), and a Christian (nondenominational) sat down with our bibles, 'Battlefield of the Mind' by Joyce Meyer, and cups of hot tea. It seemed that each chapter spoke to us in unique, yet similar ways and when one of us didn't have much to add, another filled the silence with her story.

As we made our way through the book and the bible, occasional discussions about the differences in our faiths came up, and I remember commenting that I'd never experienced Catholic's on fire for God like Shawna was (and still is). I remember learning more about different types of Christianity, and I remember being so intrigued by the differences and similarities.

I also remember asking Shawna to explain to me what 'grace' was. Saying that I just didn't understand it; didn't 'get it;' and truly, I didn't. It was this foreign concept to me that I had never truly experienced before. The best explanation I'd had was when I once asked my mom what she prayed for after communion. Her answer: grace. "What's grace?" I asked. "A gift from God." she replied. And that was all I knew of grace.

Looking back, during this time when The Man had already moved back to Morgantown, I was surrounded by God's grace. It was in this group of women; it was in the fact that I hadn't cracked up at the prospect of packing a 3 bedroom house on my own; it was present as I face the death of our sweet Pumpkin without The Man; it was there as the implications of the 'what if our house doesn't sell?' never really set in to my worried mind; it was all over my life.

But mostly it was in those evenings where I learned about faith and God and Jesus in a way I had never ever learned it before. Shawna had no way of knowing what she was doing with that bible study, only that God had put it on her heart to do it. But the fact that I sit here today, not a lukewarm cafeteria Catholic, but a faithful, fully-practicing Catholic ties back to those evenings sitting in my living room talking about God and Jesus and faith. The fact that I now understand and hunger for God's grace in ways I could never have imagined just 4 short years ago ties back to those evenings around my kitchen table eating dessert and talking about religion.

Shawna, I've sent you this link. I hope you've read here, because to openly and publicly say thank-you is the only way I can think to do it that will even come close to expressing the gratitude I have for the hours you spent answering and explaining. No, our beliefs are not exactly the same and no, I didn't become a pentecostal Christian, but I did fall in love with Jesus and I did learn how to lean on Him when this life becomes difficult to bear, and for that I have you to thank. You struck the first match and lit the fire. I am forever grateful.

Monday Mumbles

2011-10-03T10:32:00.001-04:00

TOOJE Mumbles on Mondays, and I'm in a mumbling mood today.

1. My high school alma mater is putting West Virginia on the map, in a good way, once again. In 2009 MHS's Band did this:

And on January 1, 2013, the MHS Band (including my littlest brother!) will be here:

Yes, I've already reserved our room (At the Moonheads' place, of course!). It's a good thing they take reservations over a year in advance :).

2. I am so excited to go back to California! It will be 10 years since I have been there and a visit to Santa Monica beach, the Farmer's Market, Disneyland, and Hollywood are looooong overdue! Hey C, want to come? It won't be the same without you!

3. This weekend, I did something I haven't done since October 21, 2000. I left a WVU Football game early. In 2000, I was disgusted with the Mountaineers play vs. Notre Dame and left early, really early, only to spend the rest of the game freaking out in my apartment as we tried to come back. I swore I would never leave another game early again. My commitment has been rewarded with many an unlikely come-from-behind victory and a few heartbreaking losses. But this weekend, with the rain pooring down and 7:52 to go in the game, the Mountaineers scored a touchdown making the score 55 - 10 and the wind kicked up. At that point, I was done. The Man asked if I was ready to go and the look of shock on his face when I said yes didn't last long. He took the opportunity and led us out. It kinda hurts that my streak is broken. But, for once, common sense won out. Don't expect it to happen again anytime soon. It was wierd not singing Country Roads after a win.

4. Speaking of rain and being wet. I usually love rain. I love all of the seasons. I'm not a fan of being cold, but I do enjoy watching it snow and watching Kali and Mei Mei try to fetch snow balls. Did you picture that? Dogs trying to fetch snow balls? You can laugh. It's funny to watch. Ahem. While I usually don't mind the rain, especially when indoors wrapped up in a blanket watching it fall, I've had enough rain this weekend to last me quite a while. Friday at the Morgantown High Football Game? Soaked. Saturday at the Mountaineer Football Game? Soaked. Sunday at the Pittsburgh Zoo Zoozilla 5k? Soaked. See? I've had enough rain.

5. Despite the soakedness, the weekend was a good one. MHS's band announced their invitation to the Rose Bowl Parade, the Mountaineers won, I caught a glimpse of a few elephants while running the 5k, and there was Cracker Barrel for breakfast with Starbucks for dessert. I might have been wet, but I was pretty happy.

6. One last note about the wetness. I ordered super cute rain boots last week. They will arrive tomorrow. The forecast for the rest of the week? Sunny. To all of my local friends: You are welcome.

7. So far Joy is up for a bloggy-meet-up next Friday. Anyone else in the Philadelphia area interested? I've emailed many of you back that live far far away saying I have a 'big' idea in my little head. I'm hoping to get more details out of my head and into an email soon.

8. Hmm, TOOJE, how do you possible come up with 10 mumbles on a Monday? My brain hasn't woken up (dried out?) from the weekend yet. Oh well. I guess I'll leave it at 8. Have a great week everyone!

Going Pink

2011-10-02T21:02:00.001-04:00

It's that time of year when the color pink starts appearing on football fields all over the country. Normally, I cringe at the sight of team apparel in pink because the last time I checked the Mountaineers' colors were gold and blue; the Steelers were black and gold; and there is no need for a pink sweatshirt with a WVU or Steelers (or anytime that's colors are NOT pink) on it. But, this time of year, I love the pink shoes, gloves, hats, etc. Because it's reminding women and men that breast cancer is very real and still taking lives every day. Does a football player wearing pink shoes and gloves actually do anything about breast cancer? Only if we follow-up on the reminder. The reminder, that IMHO, is way better than an implied sexual message on Facebook that really means nothing.

So, today, I'm asking you to click on that ribbon and go to The Breast Cancer Site and click on the big pink button. Each click gives money to fund mammograms for women. And then support the sponsors on that site who also support mammograms and research for women. And, of course, don't forget to do your monthly self-breast exam and remind a friend (or two) to do hers! (Friends, consider yourselves reminded.)

Saturday Evening Blog Post

2011-10-01T07:00:00.000-04:00

Each month, Elizabeth invites us to go back through our posts from the previous posts and pick our favorite. It is always a hard pick for me, and September was no exception. Last month marked the 10th anniversary of 9/11/01, the start of Thankful Thursday, and I talked a lot of football. But ultimately, it was the post reflecting back on a Year of Grace that stands as my favorite and I've left a link to it at Elizabeth's place as requested. Be sure to stop by Elizabeth's and see what everyone else's favorites were.

Quick Photos

2011-09-30T07:00:00.000-04:00

Happy 3rd "Quick Takes" Anniversary to Jen - be sure to stop by and thank her for hosting this awesome carnival!

1. This is me with the block of coal that the Mountaineers all touch when they enter the stadium at the end of the Mountaineer Mantrip before each game.

2. A WVU Tribute to September 11, 2011. Clock wise from top left: A sign using the 'flying WV' saying Mountaineers will Never Forget 9/11/01 with 2 State Troopers Saluting during the National Anthem; A 'flying WV' in front of the American Flag on the scoreboard (was displayed numerous times throughout the game); A Tribute to Chris Gray, WVU Quarterback who lost his life on 9/11/01 - he worked for Canter-Fitzgerald; The Color Guard's flags during the pre-game show; The blank scoreboard and video board during the moment of silence; The Mountaineer after leading the team onto the field with an American Flag. It was a great, proud day to be a Mountaineer.

3. Cassie and me at ESPN College GameDay! Did I mention ESPN College GameDay came to Morgantown?!?!

4. Pictures from ESPN College GameDay IN Morgantown. Again, clockwise from top left: One of my favorite signs from the day; Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso on set; the view of the crowd behind us; the view of the crowd in front of us.

5. Our contribution to the WVU-LSU Tailgate. (If you would like to think I made it, go right ahead - ha!).

6. Even the Goodyear Blimp wore it's Gold'n'Blue on it's FIRST EVER trip to Morgantown!

7. The Pride of West Virginia, The Mountaineer Marching Band, in the shape of the state of West Virginia. C'mon now, that's impressive - WV isn't exactly a square :).

Have a great weekend!

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-29T06:00:00.000-04:00

This week, I am thankful for...

leaves crunching under my feet while I run with Sara.
looooong conversations with good friends. Yes, I'm talking about you Mommy Moonhead.
blog posts that describe how to create codes for blog buttons.
Creighton Model NFP! I am now the proud owner of green, white, red, and yellow stickers.
a beautiful handmade rosary for our Goddaughter M. Thank-you so much Melanie!

What are you thankful for this week?

Blogger Meet Up Anyone?

2011-09-28T13:01:00.000-04:00

I am heading to the Philadelphia area for a Theology of the Body Course the week of Oct. 9 - 14 (The Man is not going, so you can stop planning to rob us of all the fancy things we don't have ;)).

I'm spending Friday afternoon with a friend in the seminary (Hi Cody!), but I wondered if any of you live over that way and would like to meet up for dinner before I make the drive back home - say around 6:30 or 7:00 on Friday, Oct. 14?

So, check your calendars (but really, what could be more important than meeting me? - ha!) and let me know if you'd like to meet up. (Maybe email would be better??? RebeccaWVU02 at gmail dot com)

Also, those of you who are close to Philly, Cody is in the Ardmore neighborhood, can you suggest a yummy place to eat that is maybe somewhere near there?
{Geez, as I get ready to hit publish, I am totally nervous that no one will want to meet up. Yes. I am super-mature and confident - ha!}

Checking In

2011-09-26T23:21:00.000-04:00

Just stopping by to say I'm still alive.

Yes, I was up at 4:30 am to be at GameDay by 5:30am.

Yes, I took a {very} short nap (45 min, an hour if I count my falling asleep while I watched the ND-Pitt game).

Yes, I (and The Man too) arrived at our tailgate spot at 2:30.

Yes, I stayed until the very end of the game.

I have TONS of pictures to upload and share! (I tried to get 2 blog posts to publish from my phone, but apparently 62,000 people within 150 yards of one another all trying to use their cell phones at the same time creates some network problems. Imagine that - ha!)

Sunday was as long and busy of a day as Saturday and today I half-way went back to work (meetings here in town and lunch with my boss instead of all day in the office).

But, all-in-all, Saturday was amazing! The long day was worth it and even though we didn't win the game, it was an amazing day to be a Mountaineer! Losing to the #1 team in the country isn't anything to be ashamed of...and the facts that our Quarterback threw for over 450 yards and wasn't sacked once are HUGE building blocks for this young team.

And the cherry that is just waiting to be put on the top? There are lots of rumors and talk about WVU going the the SEC. While that means playing the likes of LSU, Alabama, Auburn, Arkansas, and company every year, it will take a HUGE step closer to the possibility of a National Championship for WVU someday!

Quick Takes

2011-09-23T08:22:00.001-04:00

1. 21 Hours until I meet my friends to head over to get a spot for ESPN GameDay (yes that will be 5:00 am).

2. 25 Hours until ESPN GameDay starts broadcasting...from MORGANTOWN!

3. 28 Hours until Lee Corso makes his picks, and don's his Mascot Head.

4. 31 Hours until the grills are fired up and tailgating commences.

5. 34 Hours until the "Mountaineer Mantrip"

6. 36 Hours until Kick-off. (8 pm on ABC!)

7. And all the nerves in my body that are raw, the butterflies in my stomach that have been fluttering since Monday, and every ounce of gold'n'blue blood I've got is praying that in 39/40 hours I'm singing Country Roads with 65,000 or so of my closest friends.

Let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Mountaineers!!!! Beat LSU!

Have a great weekend and be sure to visit Jen for more Quick Takes!!!

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-22T08:00:00.000-04:00

Click here to get button.

This week, I am thankful for...

God's perfect timing.
Lunch yesterday with Sara and sweet sweet Julebug :).
Mountaineer Football. LSU comes to town this weekend. And ESPN GameDay too! Let's GOOOO Mountaineers!
Fall.
The Man.
Hope.
Your 'Thankful Thursday' comments and posts.

What are you thankful for this week? I can not tell you how much it lifts my spirit to read and pray for the things in your life that you are thankful for. Please either leave them in the comments or write your own post. I'm working on the 'real' coding for the button, to grab it for now, just click on the link right underneath and then save the picture or URL and insert it :).

Normal

2011-09-21T20:26:00.000-04:00

*This is long. It is the perfect example of this IF roller coaster. I started writing it feeling one way and, well, you'll see...

Normal.

Two rounds of blood tests. Pre and post peak. All normal. Right down the middle normal.

Estradiol.
Progesterone.
FSH.
LH.
DHEA.
Insulin.
Glucose.
T3/T4.
(And a few more I'm forgetting.)

All normal.

What's not normal?

Having a se.men analysis done - and having to explain how we want to get the sample.
Having to decide when/if to do an HSG.
Wondering just how much the HSG will cost. And how we will pay for it.
Sitting in the parking lot of the doctor's office for 15 minutes crying.
Waiting to hear back from a Creighton Instructor for a couple of weeks.

Pure honesty?
I'm getting really scared.

Not so much of the not-having-a-baby part. I'm just sad about that part.

I'm scared that we've now crossed the line of what my midwife (who I love) is able to help us with. That we are now into the world of REs. And specialists. And doctors who we've never met. And doctors who've never heard of NaPro.

I feel so isolated. Again.

Admittedly, part of it is my own doing. I'm choosing not to go with one of the Creighton Teachers here in WV (there are 4) because of my new job. I need to keep my professional and personal lives separate.

**At this point, my phone rang. It was the Creighton Instructor I was waiting to hear back from.**

And now?

I'm still scared. But I don't feel quite so alone. I feel like the feeling of being at a dead end this morning is gone thanks to an unexpected alley.

Before this call, this was one of my hardest days on this IF journey so far. And now? It is one of the days I have felt the most hope. No, I don't have any more answers than I did this morning. But I do have a plan. Or at least the beginnings of one.

I honestly didn't know that I could have kept up all that I was thinking in my head before this phone call. And God Bless E., as I completely broke down while talking to her, she shared her story and provided just one more glimmer of hope. One more example of how God can work miracles.

So, instead of facing a world of REs, doctors, and specialists who know nothing about NaPro, we are jumping in with both feet to the NaPro world. And instead of feeling completely overwhelmed and more scared than I was even willing to truly admit, I feel ready. Yes, I'm still scared. Yes, I will still pray that I never have to set foot inside a NaPro doctors office. But, I am ready for the road that is laid out for us. Even though I can't see every twist and turn and detour, I'm ready.

ESPN College GameDay

2011-09-18T20:52:00.000-04:00

IS COMING TO MORGANTOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!

LET'S GOOOOOOOO MOUNTAINEERS!!!!!!!!

Saturday, Sept. 24, 2011. 8:00 PM. Vs. LSU.

LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MOUNTAINEERS!!!!!!!!!!

ESPN COLLEGE GAMEDAY IS COMING TO MORGANTOWN. PLEASE SOMEONE PINCH ME. WAIT NO, DON'T. THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE!!!!!

IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE A MOUNTAINEER WHEREVER YOU MAY BE!!!!!!

Quick Takes

2011-09-16T07:30:00.000-04:00

1. Once again, I find myself shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, to find out that some of you are not only NOT football fans, but that you do not understand the game either. What do you possibly do with yourself on Saturdays and Sundays in the fall? And what do you have to look forward to all spring and summer long? Seriously, I'm asking. I can't imagine it.

2. In hopes that it is only because you were ~~severely neglected~~ led astray as a young child, I have a gift for you :). A couple of years ago I wrote a series of 3 posts about How to be a College Football Fan, so for Quick Takes today, I'm going to give you the links to those posts. You're welcome! (And lest there be any confusion, these rules work for Professional Football too. Some of the rules are different, but you'll get the basics. You're welcome. Again. ;))

3. How to be a College Football Fan, Part 1. (Basics!)

4. How to be a College Football Fan, Part 2. (The rules!)

5. How to be a College Football Fan, Part 3. (All about what happens when the rules get broken!)

6. And because I love you all so much, and I know you are ~~wishing I'd write about something else~~ dying to know more, I am working on a Part 4 for next week!

7. Happy weekend, Let's goooooo Mountaineers!, and be sure to visit Jen for more Quick Takes!

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-15T08:50:00.000-04:00

I am thankful for...

Chai Tea Lattes
Magnificat
The Sacrament of Marriage
Babies! (Yes, Hebrews, I'm talking about you :))
The Man
Lavendar linen spray
The fact that when you google NFP and WV you get something {that I hope and pray} is useful now!

What are you thankful for today? I would like to give thanks for your thankful intentions too, please write your own post or leave your intentions in a comment below.

Happy Thankful Thursday!

A Year of Grace

2011-09-13T07:00:00.000-04:00

For a year now, I have been praying for the grace to handle and accept whatever it is that we are going to face as we try to have a baby. It was last September that we decided it was 'time;' that I started to let myself plan, and hope, and get excited. Yet, somehow, I just *knew*, and from the very first time I prayed for a child, I have also prayed for the grace to handle whatever comes our way, well, gracefully.

At some point along this road, my prayer for grace has taken precedence. Yes, I still pray for a baby, but it has become secondary. I want to walk this journey with faithful grace. I want to remember that I have a beautiful life and an amazing husband. I don't want to look back in 10, 15, 20 years and wish that I had lived the life I was gifted with instead of wishing for a different one. Daily, I remind myself to not lose sight of all that I do have while I pray for something more.

In some ways, I feel like our road is just beginning again. We are getting ready to learn to chart using Creighton. We are on the waiting list to see Dr. S. in December or January. We are waiting for the results of a second round of blood tests. And I find myself praying so hard that none of these things have to happen. That they are 'plans' made in vain; that God is laughing at us {again? still?}.

In other ways, I am already weary of the road. (I feel pathetic saying that. There are so many of you who have been waiting for so long and here I sit whining about a year.) I truly did not imagine it was possible to go through the range of emotions that I have gone through, let alone to go through them every month (maybe I have the emotional range of a teaspoon?).

So many things have helped me along this road - all of you, those of you who know me in real life, and the music you are listening to are just some of the things. The songs on this playlist have become the soundtrack to my life. They are almost like friends who have comforted me along the way.

Even though I *knew*, I still hoped. Now I know and I still hope. Sometimes it is the hope that ultimately causes the most pain; but most of the time it is the hope that keeps me going. And it is in the hope that I know God has answered my prayer for grace. Moving forward, I will continue to pray for His grace and for His mercy. I will remember to appreciate and live the life He has already blessed me with. And I will continue to pray for a baby.

September 11, 2001

2011-09-11T01:03:00.000-04:00

Photo from here.

You'll Never Walk Alone

When you walk through a storm

Hold your head up high

And don't be afraid of the dark

At the end of the storm

Is a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind

Walk on through the rain

Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on, walk on

With hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone.

~Rogers and Hammerstein, 1945, Carousel

Remember those who died;

Honor those who sacrificed;

Never forget;

And never walk alone.

Quick Photos

2011-09-09T07:30:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday! (It gets here so quick when Monday is a holiday :).) This week, I give you 7 signs that football is here :) - in pictures. Have a great weekend and be sure to visit Jen for more Quick Takes!

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-08T07:30:00.000-04:00

Last week, taking a moment to reflect on and remind myself that I have much to be thankful for helped me to feel so much better, but what really made me feel better was getting your comments about what you are thankful for. It was an honor to pray for each and every one of your praises and I'd like to continue the tradition.

Last week, Donna at What if God Says No even wrote her own post too!

This week, I am thankful for:

a good poncho
football (even if it does last for 7 hours)
my family
Watermelon, Honeydew, and Cantaloupe flavored popsicles
living in a place with all 4 seasons

What are you thankful for this week? Please share your thankful intentions in the comments so that I can give thanks for them as well. And if you write your own post like Donna did, please leave a comment letting us know so we can stop by.

Happy Thankful Thursday.

Wordless {Mostly} Wednesday

2011-09-07T07:30:00.000-04:00

More Wordless Wednesday

Rae (from No Wealth But Life) and Me!

Kali.

Mei Mei

Nan, Me, and Mom. Eating the best. ice cream. ever. (Mine is in my hand, just behind my Nan). Nan is 82 - doesn't she look AWESOME!

The game never resumed. After. 7. hours. Yes, I stayed. C'mon, you're not really surprised are you?

Bruce Irvin. #11. Sack-master-extraordinaire. Huge.

Game Day

2011-09-04T10:20:00.001-04:00

Kali and Mei Mei are ready! Are you?

Let's goooooooo Mountaineers!

Saturday Evening Blog Post

2011-09-03T20:34:00.000-04:00

The first Saturday of each month, Elizabeth invites us to share our favorite post from the previous month. This month, we get to have double the fun since Elizabeth was in Boliva the first Saturday of August.

This task is always much more difficult for me than I should even begin to admit, being indecisive may not be a virtue, but I'm good at it!

So, my favorite August post is this one, where I write about the waking up that happens in my town every fall.

And my favorite July post is this one, where I write about emotions that I didn't know I could have.

Be sure to stop by Elizabeth's to see everyone else's best posts from the past two months,